


A dangerous night

by BananoweBudynie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Chaptered, Fluff, JaeYong - Freeform, M/M, Romance, Smut, johnten, not gonna add more tags so that I don't spoil you the plot, slight bit of, tenny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-06-06 08:07:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 43,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15190481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananoweBudynie/pseuds/BananoweBudynie
Summary: First impressions are never adequte to the reality. They never reveal one's true image. Nor does the second and third meeting. Johnny and Ten believe they start to understand each other, but do they really?





	1. Prologue

The line abruptly stops, preventing any other passenger from entering the plane. There is a man, dressed in an expensive suit, dragging his little suitcase behind himself. A young women, who runs in the direction of the gate 37, unmistakably late for her flight. And a couple, tall boy and almost equally tall girl, who happen to be much more immersed in each other eyes than in their surroundings. The hall is filled with empty noise, which resonates throughout the duty free shops and each and every gate leading straight to their respective planes.

Finally, it reaches Johnny’s ears – sensitive, exhausted ears – and makes him clench his teeth, as a dull pain surges in his temples. He’s tired, after travelling for 20 hours (4 from Chicago to Vancouver, where he waited for another 3 and then flied for 13 to Hong Kong, where he is right now). It’s been a long day and it still is not over, as he’s waiting for the last flight – finally – to Seoul. But the line won’t move.

Backpack on his shoulder and passport in hand, he softly closes his eyes just to get a little bit of rest. Travelling from Chicago to Seoul for the last 4 years has always been difficult to establish. Is he leaving home or finally coming back? The answer never comes but leaves him with a strange sense of not fully belonging anywhere.

His family lives in Chicago – this is where he can eat his mom’s homemade food and go to a match with his dad. Where he grew up, memorizing all the curves and breakings of the streets. Where he first drank alcohol, smoke cigarettes and fell in love. But after moving to Seoul for studies, the city – so different, yet with a strange sense of familiarity – he realized that maybe, _maybe_ home doesn’t necessary mean the place, you come from.

After few minutes the line starts moving again and Johnny gets closer and closer to finally taking his seat. The trip already exhausted him and he hopes that he can get some sleep through the 3 hour long flight to Korea. Because there is nothing worse than having to meet your flatmate, who missed you as hell for the past two months, when you’re dead tired.

When he passes the gate, he quickly makes his way through the sleeve and follows the directions, which the stewardess showed him. The plane isn’t of the biggest Johnny has traveled by. There are two rows of seats on both sides, which provide little to no space for long – legged people, but he’s not going to complain, as he chose one of the cheapest flights.

Johnny is used to sitting beside overweight people, who need additional half of his seat to fit their body, or mothers with whiney little babies, which won’t stop crying for the whole duration of the flight. So when he reaches his seat and doesn’t spot anyone, who could cause him trouble, it’s just fair to say that he’s shocked.

There is a petite boy – maybe not really petite but just compared to Johnny’s huge form – sitting by the window with a cap covering his platinum – dyed hair. He must be younger than Johnny. He’s got thin, but muscular – looking arms and tan skin, which makes Johnny question, where does he come from. When Johnny puts his backpack on the shelf above his head and finally takes the seat, the boy sends him a quick smile and gets back to reading a book that he’s holding.

Could it be the most harmless trip of all?

Johnny makes himself comfortable, stretching his straining neck and adjusting his way too long legs. It’s far from perfect but he’s content that he will have an opportunity to take a nap before getting back to the university, writing essays in the middle of the night and occasional song writing. He closes his eyes, as they take off the ground and soar through the sky above East China Sea.

“Would you like some water, sir?”

It’s easy to lose track of time in his state of tiredness, so when he once again opens his eyes, it is to see a fairly young lady offering him a paper cup filled with water. He carefully takes it and thanks her. Johnny wants to go back to the dreamland, when a hand appears in front of him and takes another cup.

“Thank you very much.”

Throughout the nap Johnny may have forgotten his surroundings and the fact that there was someone sitting right beside him. The voice belonging to the boy is much higher than Johnny would expect it to be with a strong accent he cannot recognize. It’s kind of funny but at the same time suits him perfectly.

They drink in silence, minding their own business. Seeing that they still have some time before landing, Johnny opts for another nap. He tries to move his legs a little to make himself more comfortable and not let his legs get cramps, when he accidently slips his foot and bumps his knees with the boy’s ones next to him. Pretty hard. To prevent dropping the cup on the book the boy, who was still reading, let’s go of the book, which results in it falling to the floor. Johnny instantly moves to pick it up but so does the boy and they end up bumping their foreheads together.

“Sorry, I’m so clumsy.”

Johnny should stay focused on the pain surging in his right temple, or the fact that he just made an idiot out of himself. But, unexpectedly, he’s met with the smile from the beginning of their flight, though, this time much wider and brighter. He’s dumbstruck, sitting there, not moving, just looking at the blinding smile.

He deems it on the bruise forming in the center of his forehead.

“No, I should’ve been the one to watch, what I was doing.” he says and carefully – so that he doesn’t bump into _anything_ – bends down to pick up the book.

As he hands it back to its owner, he sees a piece of paper slip from between the pages. It’s a Korean address written down not in hangul, which only back up Johnny’s theory that the boy is not Korean. He should just properly sit in his seat and wait till the flight is over, but Johnny Seo has one hell of an unstoppable mouth.

“Are you visiting anyone?” he asks, trying to sound as casual as he can. It’s always a good time to meet new people and this exact one’s persona seems to be endearing.

“Not exactly,” the boy starts, taking the piece of paper in his hand and neatly putting it back between the pages. “I’m moving.”

“Moving? Where from? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Johnny hopes he’s not pushing the line. Through the past 4 years he’s spent in Seoul, he learned that what he took as being nice in The States, meant being intrusive in Korea. And he doesn’t mean to be pushy. It’s just that he still hasn’t changed his attitude form the American one to Asian.

“No, it’s fine.” the boy answers. He takes his cap off and ruffles his platinum hair. Johnny gets a glimpse of a _thousands_ of earring pierced through the boy’s ear. “I’m moving from Bangkok. And you?”

“Coming back from holidays I’ve spend home, in Chicago.”

“That sounds nice.”

It turns out that talking to the boy is much easier and carefree than Johnny expected it to be. He welcomes such a change with gratefulness and wonders, whether Thai people are generally more open or is it just this boy.

He would like to talk more, there seems to be a significant easiness in their communication. However, their conversation gets interrupted by an announcement made by the speakers. They’re landing. And so their exchange of words comes to an end.  

Just after Johnny takes out his backpack and right before parting their ways, the boy stands right next to him, good five inches shorter than him, and attacks Johnny with yet another one of his blinding smiles.

“It was nice meeting you, American boy.”

Johnny is torn between figuring, why the hell did he call him a “boy”, when Johnny clearly is the older – and much taller – one from the two of them, and being pushed by the crowd of people trying to finally leave the plane. He doesn’t realize that, all in all, he’s just thinking about the boy’s unprecedented smile.

And they say looking directly at the sun hurts the most.


	2. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 is finally out, please enjoy~

When Johnny reaches his apartment’s door, he is dead tired – it’s a fact. His eyelids close on their own and his big body makes it difficult for him to handle all his belongings in the hallway. Mind barely registering, where he is, and back aching from far too many hours spend in the airplanes, Johnny finally puts the key in and opens the lock.

He’s home. A special feeling arises in his chest, when he sees the little kitchen packed up with dirty plates and the TV in the living room blasting with colors and sounds of shotguns. The couch is occupied and he can clearly see a mop of violet hair shaking excitedly. Johnny’s home isn’t perfect but it smells of instant ramyeon and old socks, which is everything he needs.

His things meet the floor with a thud but the guns keep shooting and the other person in the room stays oblivious of Johnny’s presence. It gives him time to take off his sneakers and lazily come up behind the couch.

“Yuta.”

A sequence of Japanese profanities leaves the other’s mouth, as he jumps to the floor, shock shadowing his whole face. Yuta’s hair has grown a little longer and he dyed it light violet, but it suits him. Dark circles are visible under his eyes – a result of nights spend on playing video games or drinking in the clubs. However, he still is the same Japanese boy, Johnny met in his first year in the university, the same person, who cannot keep their environment clean, the same best friend of Johnny.

“You fucking scared me,” he says, sounding angry and out of breath. But in record time, he runs to embrace Johnny in a hug and Johnny knows that they’re as good as they were yesterday. “I missed you, bro.”

They let go of each other and make their way to sit on the couch. A big sign _game over_ shows up on the screen and Johnny knows he’s going to hear another section of Japanese curses, before it even happens. As much as he would like to not understand this exact part of his friend’s native language, he does – blame it on watching anime in the childhood and spending two years as roommates with Yuta.

“I lost, because of you.”

“You let the kitchen rot. We’re even.”

“Point taken.”

Johnny rubs his eyes, tiredness kicking in, and so he lays down on the couch, his head landing on Yuta’s lap. He wants to spend just a little bit more time with his friend, before he lets the jetlag take over him.

“So how was the journey?” Yuta asks, taking the controller back to his hands and resuming the game.

“Tiering as always,” he mumbles, as his body finally gets the chance to rest. “but on the flight from Hong Kong to Seoul, I met a nice guy.”

“Was he hot?”

As much as Johnny missed his best friends, he is kind of annoyed by his everlasting need to go with people to bed. It’s just part of Yuta, even funny when Johnny is dying from exhaustion, but their priorities in the romantic field differ a lot.

“I dunno. He was nice.” he says and it’s true – it is hard to establish, whether the Thai boy was hot or not, because Johnny didn’t look at him that way. His body looked good but Johnny still only payed attention to his smile.

“Did you bang him?” And Nakamoto Yuta knows just how to ruin the mood.

“What the fuck?! I met him in the airplane.”

“It’s not like you can’t fuck in there,” he vigorously moves his hands over the controller. “but I take it as a no. Did you at least ask for his number?”

Johnny rubs his eyes and counts to ten. The tiredness is kicking in with doubled power, as Yuta’s nonsense words sink in. He’s not the type to sleep with countless people each Friday and it didn’t even cross his mind to hook up with the Thai boy, because this not what Johnny Seo does. At least not any more.

“I’m going to bed.” he says, standing up from the couch with a loud grunt. His back aches, temples press on his brain and Yuta is getting on his nerve.

“It’s high time you get laid, Youngho. I don’t know, if you noticed but it’s already been a year.”

“Shut up.”

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2012_

_~~Dear diary,  
I don’t even want to write here – the cover of this notebook is so aesthetic, I’m probably ruining it with my senseless rant – but everyone’s telling me to take up a new hobby and stop overthinking things. ~~ _

_Mom said that having a diary, a place, where I can take things off my chest, may help. I’m not really sure about it, but I’m giving it a try. We’ll see, whether it works or not. I’m not keeping my hopes high, though. There is no reason for that._

_It’s difficult to write down e v e r y t h i n g out of nowhere. I’m not even sure, I’ll be able to do that. At the same time, I cannot think of any proper moment to start. When did it all begin? How did it happen? And most importantly – why me of all the people on Earth?_

_I do not intend to sound egoistic, truly, it’s just raw curiosity. Who decides on which ones have tougher life than others? Who judges our doings? Who, if they even exist, has the right to punish us so thoroughly?_

_Probably, I’m just looking for someone to blame, because it’s unreasonable that I am the one, who is responsible for this – pain, anger, vulnerability. Why did I do it? Was I always like that? Or was there a significant factor that started off the whole machine?_

_All in all, it just really pains me to acknowledge, I am the one to hurt myself so much._

 

 

 

There should be some special feeling of fulfillment, as you come back to the campus after a break. Especially, if you are to begin your last year of studies and finally get that master degree. All the sleepless nights, unhealthy meals and thousands of essays are to pay off.

However, even after the first few classes, Johnny doesn’t feel any kind of bless upon himself, as the last year of uni begins. The corridors are still too wide and humid, people set on their aims and the lectures are boring as hell. This year does not seem to be any different than the previous ones.

He plops down by a table in a tiny bar, ordering straight away bibimbap. Because only a bowl of steaming rice and colorful pickles is what he needs to brighten his mood. He comes there almost every lunch time and the bar, just like the campus, doesn’t change throughout the time. Even after five years, it’s still the same.

Suddenly, there is a light pat on his left shoulder followed by a wet smooch on his right cheek and the last year of uni officially begins.

“Don’t harass him, the minute you see him, Taeyong.” The voice comes from Johnny’s side and when he turns, it is to see a short man dressed in slacks and shirt, looking like the nice boy from the neighborhood. Whom he is. Because Moon Taeil is the epitome of kindness and perfect life choices. 

“But I missed him so much!” And Lee Taeyong is his greatest antagonism. Out of the three of them, he is the one looking the most rebellious – with black ripped jeans, combat boots and oversized sweaters. This time, his hair is pastel pink, falling over his dark eyes and gently framing his face. To any stranger, Taeyong may look like a disobedient high schooler, but Taeil and Johnny (and Yuta) know that he is the softest person in the whole universe.

Taeyong winds his arms around Johnny’s neck giving him a quick but tight hug and then with Taeil takes the empty seats by the table.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t meet with you, right after I came back from The States,” Johnny says after his friends make the order. “Jetlag was an ass and Yuta was an ass and I generally had to sleep off the last few days.”

“Just take my out for drinking and I will consider forgiving you.” Taeyong answers, propping his chin on his hand.

“Another heartbreak?”

“No.”

“Yes.” Taeil corrects him and Taeyong scowls at him.

“So, who’s ass should I beat this time?” Johnny asks from above the scorching bowl he just received. He starts mixing the egg, meat and pickles into the rice. The gochujang paste gives the meal a nice red color and Johnny almost salivates at the spot.

“Only Taeyong’s.” Taeil’s voice cracks at the end and he starts laughing, as the pink – haired boy angrily rubs his own face.

“Can we not talk about it?”

Johnny is curious of what happened, when he was away in America, but he’ll let it go for now.

“Do you want to talk about the fact that we’re students of international studies at Yonsei but still have no idea of what to do in life?”

“Still better than making me feel more pathetic than I already am.”

Taeil theatrically rolls his eyes, while Taeyong beats his arm and Johnny knows, if he’s got the two, he will somehow survive this year.

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2012_

_My father always told me stories of his high school years. He said that there is no other time like this in your whole life. You make the best of friendships, fall in love and party all the time, because your body is young and surely can take it. You enjoy your life to the fullest._

_So when high school started for me, I thought it would be the best time of my life. I expected to make lifetime friendships, have embarrassing drunk stories and lose my virginity. But none of it ever happened._

_I made few friends but, even though, we liked each other, our relationship didn’t grow roots for it to have a strong fundament. It is not like I’m antisocial, truly scared of others or much reserved. I just think that I tend to be too much. Loud laugh, mouth that works faster than my brain and high self – consciousness. I have extremely low self – esteem (maybe even nonexistent), which makes me question all the relations I’ve ever made. And this leads me to eventually not believing that people like me at all._

_When I tried to explain it to my mom, she said it’s bullshit, because I’m always smiling and looking like I’m having the time of my life. Here’s where my inner contradiction appears. Generally, I like spending time with others. Some even call me overly friendly and outgoing. There is a point, to which I can freely act cool and fun. Mostly, when I am around people, I am sure I’ll never meet again. The risk of having to looking then later on in the eyes is so low, I stop caring._

_Although, my need and actual want to be with people, there is a wall inside me that keeps me from enjoying life to the fullest. I cannot overcome it, cannot fight it, it’s so much stronger than me. That’s why I succumb to it, backing off and not getting myself into danger. It’s so much safer, when I don’t go out._

 

 

 

 

It takes approximately three weeks for Johnny to start going to bed at the right time and stop taking unnecessary naps throughout the day. Once again, he gets used to the schedule of lectures and boring professors. Probably, it wouldn’t be that easy for him, if he didn’t get a certain email around noon.

For the past two years, he’s been working as a DJ in a club in Yongsan, called _Hot Potato_. Earning extra money wasn’t his main goal, though. Johnny has always been passionate about music – playing guitar, piano, writing lyrics. So when he learned the secrets of creating pieces on computer, he easily became addicted. Yuta still recalls the time they were in their second year of uni and after four days of absence at classes, he found Johnny camped in his dorm room with dark bags under his eyes and laptop in hands.

He then found a job as a DJ and realized that it gave him so much fun, he couldn’t imagine living without it. Although, he wasn’t sure, he would keep the job in the last year of uni, the manager of the club just sent him an email asking him to stay, because _“no one makes such unique beats like you, John-D”_. 

Taking up the job once again is the reason, why Johnny gets cozy on the couch with his laptop, even though, it’s Saturday night.

“I thought, this year we were only supposed to study and get wasted. No additional responsibilities.” Yuta comes out of his bedroom, dress up, smelling like his best cologne and it’s a comprehensible sign, he’s not coming back for tonight.

“We’ll be out next week. You’ll get into the club at a lower price with me and you know it.”

“But you will be working.”

Yuta comes up to him, sitting on the other end of the couch and looks at Johnny. His eyes have always been expressive and by the look right now, Johnny is kind of scared.

“Can I say something from the bottom of my heart?” Yuta asks and his tone dreads Johnny. He waits for the bomb to crash, because Yuta rarely is serious and there is a high possibility he’ll say something truly stupid.

“Yes.”

“You used to be more fun, when you dated Sooyoung.”

A scowl instantly shows up on his face. It’s a delicate subject and Yuta should carefully make each and every step. But it’s him, so he just says what’s on his mind without much thought. However, the worst thing is that Yuta is right. Johnny used to be more carefree, spontaneous, even crazy, but then… things happened.

“Don’t get mad at me, I’m just– ”

“Stop it,” Johnny waves his hand before himself and lets a warm smile take place of the scowl. “I’ll try my best next time.”

“You better do.”

The conversation ends there, as suddenly as it started and soon Yuta is collecting his things and heading to the doorway. However, after putting his shoes on, he comes back to Johnny’s side, ruffles his hair and then he’s gone.

A heavy sight leaves Johnny’s lips. He sags into the couch, letting the fluffy cushions swallow him up. His laptop’s screen shows, he barely started working on a new piece and now as his mood has worsened, he dreads, he will not finish it any time soon.

So he decides on filling his stomach in order to prevent any life problems.

He walks to the kitchen, looking for anything eatable but living with Yuta for two years has taught him that his best friend has a habit of gulping anything the fridge contains. There are only a few instant ramyeon packages but Johnny could really use some wholesome meal.

In a moment, he’s back on the couch, computer in his lap, entering Shuttle Delivery – the page he mostly used for ordering food. He’s quick to log into his account and type Korean food into the browser. Tonight, he settles for soy bean paste pot stew with crab.

While waiting for the food, Johnny takes a look at his newest piece. The main beat is barely done and he’s just started working on the first part of the song. However, after a two month long break he’s not in his best shape. After Yuta’s remark he feels even worse and each time he tries adding a few beats, he ends up deleting them right after listening.

Yuta’s right about Johnny’s attitude but how can he help it? How is he supposed to be fun and cool, when he’s 23 and in the last year of uni? Isn’t it high time, he finally starts being a responsible adult?

He nervously ruffles his hair, pushing the headphone off his head and onto the cushions. He just wants thing to get back on the right track. To finish studies, keep his friends and make music – peacefully. It is too much that he’s asking for?

A doorbell ring is what pulls him out of his thoughts. He walks up to the door, not really minding his messy look – joggers and a t – shirt with a hole at the bottom – only focusing on the food he’s about to get. He already paid for it online, so it’s just a matter of actually having the food in his hands.

“Good evening, here’s your deliv– ”

To say that Johnny is dumbstruck is an understatement. His whole body stills on its way for the food, eyes bulging and mouth hanging loose. It feels, as if someone is playing with him, tricking him, because what stands before him, could never be true.

He looks different. Platinum hair sticking out from under an orange cap and a matching jacket with the logo of Shuttle emblemed on its front. His dark eyes are as widely opened as Johnny’s and he blinks – once, twice – shock shadowing his features. The enormous height difference of their bodies is even more apparent now, as they are not in the cramped plane anymore. Johnny doesn’t know, if he’s the huge one here or is the boy just really small.

There is a moment of silence, soon broken by a high – pitched laugh and a bright smile.

“Fancy meeting you again, American boy.”

It seems impossible for them to meet again, especially under such circumstances. It just isn’t logical. But here they are, standing in the doorway of Johnny’s apartment, laughing like two crazy idiots.

“This is the strangest thing that ever happened to me.” he says, leaning on the doorframe to support himself.

“Is this some hidden camera? A prank?” The Thai boy asks, looking around the hall. His lips are still tilted upwards. “I didn’t sign up for this, when I took the job.”

Johnny does not believe in metaphysical actions of some superior powers. He never did. But it makes him want to know, what is happening. How on Earth did it happen?

“Is this fate?” he asks, more of a joke than a serious question.

“I’ll call it fate,” the Thai boy answers, craning his neck to look Johnny in the eyes. “if we meet one more time.”

There is something in his eyes – bizarre mixture of courage and bashfulness – that Johnny can’t quite grasp. Maybe it’s just the result of their unexpected meeting. At least, that’s the easiest reasoning.

“So, your order,” he says after a while and lifts the paper bag up.

“Ah, yes, thank you.” He takes the bag and looks as the boy before him shifts from his right leg to the left one. It’s a pleasantly awkward atmosphere, which might seem like an oxymoron but to Johnny it’s something truly enjoyable. “I know, it’s a little bit straightforward but maybe you’d like to come in?”

He doesn’t want to push too much, while he knows he can. His easygoing isn’t always welcomed in Korea. In addition, he doesn’t want to give the boy mixed signs and scare him – it’s just that Johnny is honestly curious about their meeting.

“That would be nice,” His face doesn’t give him out, he looks calm and radiant, but it is his voice that shows a little bit of distress. “But my shift doesn’t finish for the next two hours. I’m sorry.”

“No, I am sorry. That was too pushy of me.”

“It was very _n i c e_ of you, American boy.”

He takes a step back, arms locked behind his back and a bright smile on his face. Johnny has just realized that he haven’t seen anyone with such unconstrained and cheerful smile in a very long time.

“Actually, my name is Johnny.” he says, after the boy takes another step back.

“I’ll remember it, American boy.” His lips curl into a smirk, eyes shine and Johnny hopes they meet for the third time, because the boy is just so enduring. He would perfectly fit into his group of friends.

“Aren’t you gonna tell me yours?”

“I’m Ten.” He’s already by the stairs, ready to take the first step down. However, he suddenly halts, probably having seen Johnny’s frowning over his answer. “Because I’m ten out of ten!”

His loud and carefree laugh echoes in the hall, resonating in the walls. Johnny hears it, until the boy – Ten – disappears down the stairs, where his eyes cannot reach. He stays in the doorway for a moment, holding the paper bag and biting his lower lip.

Ten said he finishes his job after next two hours. Johnny remembers seeing the closing hours of the restaurant on their page and it said 9:30 pm.

It’s 9:17 pm.

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2013_

_It was creeping under my skin throughout the whole day. Itching under my fingertips and painfully tensing the muscles of my neck. It wasn’t that bad in the morning – I only had trouble eating breakfast – but as the evening came, my heart started beating faster; lungs shrinking._

_The reason for this feeling, as always, stayed unknown to me. I generally knew, what triggered it, but the main cause remained a mystery. I tried dwelling on the matter, reaching a conclusion to why did my body reject such thing like calmness. But ended up with nothing._

_Although, my poor state of physical condition (and of mind, too), I went to school, took two exams and went for a dance practice. I believed to be in control. And **it** proved me wrong. Searching for a way to escape **its** calling, I took a shower, cleansing myself from self – doubt and worries. But as I was drying my hair, world cut off from any sounds of reality, **it** came back. To get me. _

_Cold hands found my neck, tightening their hold with every minute. I tried fighting **it** , staying strong, not giving up, but to no avail. The hairdryer slipped out of my hand, hitting the floor with a loud thud, I didn’t hear due to the ringing in my ears. My knees buckled, pulling my whole statue to the ground. I ended up crying, weeping on the cold floor, fighting for every fucking breath. _

_My mother found me first sitting beside me and asking, what was wrong. I couldn’t answer. Father came soon after and laid a soothing hand on my neck. It burned._

_And that’s how my parents realized, there was something terribly wrong with me._

 

 

 

In order to get to the campus, Johnny usually takes a bus, which allows him to sleep a little longer in the morning. There was a time, he took walks, though. Quite regularly. Although, it’s in the past now, this morning he feels like going on foot, breathing a bit of fresh air and clearing his mind.

The sun hides behind the clouds, from time to time warming the ground with few rays. No matter the sight wind, it’s not chilly, so Johnny doesn’t need a jacket, nor a coat. He likes this feeling – raw touch of breeze on his exposed forearms and gentle ruffle to his hair.

He takes a break on a playground by the road. It’s a place, he used to visit frequently, too. In the past. He sits on a wooden bench, looking at the empty swings and slides, sans any kind of pain in his heart. It’s soothing to know that the view does not make him ache anymore. A gentle smile appears on his lips and he closes his eyes, as he basks in the unexpected calmness.

For the past year, Johnny found it difficult it make it to the playground and spend there more than 5 minutes without feeling emotionally worn out. Too many memories flooded his mind, replacing the peace in his heart with restlessness. He could not stand the feeling, neither could he fight it and in the end, he always ended up insecure.

Today, after a two month break, he believes, he feels better.  

But then there is a short cry followed by a loud laugh and Johnny’s vision is flooded with a group of little kids. They must have come from a kindergarten nearby. They roam around the place, invading the sandbox and fighting for the swings.

Johnny’s heart instantly clenches, waking up a little monster in the pit of his stomach. It’s the feeling that hasn’t let go of him since over a year ago. It comes with regret and a loop of the same question going inside his head.

Is he not responsible enough?

A short buzz of his phone wakes him up from the faze and Johnny tears his eyes from the kids and looks at the device.

 **ty** __  
r u not comin to class?  
08:56 am

 **johnny boi** __  
be the in a minute  
08:57 am

 **johnny boi** __  
im on the playground  
08:57 am

 **ty**  
_u fine? do u want me to come?  
_ 08:59 am

 **johnny boi**  
_im ok  
_ 09:02 am

 **johnny boi**  
_just a little disturbed  
_ 09:03 am

 **ty**  
_if u wanna talk just tell me  
_ 09:04 am

 **ty**  
_im always there for u  
_ 09:06 am

Johnny looks one last time at the children, before taking his bag and heading straight to the campus.

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2014_

_Keeping it a secret from Tern wasn’t easy but I did. For two years._

_At first, I just really didn’t know, how to tell her. She’s my little sister and I was supposed to be someone, she could always rely on. How could she, when I was a malfunctional human? When I was broken? The shame I felt was overpowering my common sense and so that I totally forgot she was my sister; best friend; someone I could always count on._

_The advantage of not telling Tern the truth was that when she was around, I could pretend I was normal – that everything was fine. I could just be the crazy older brother, who smiled too much at handsome boys. Not the fucked up freak I ended up as._

_What really pained me was that I had no trouble telling her about my sexuality, when I was thifteen (and she was twelve), and found it so difficult to tell her about my illness. It became my biggest weakness, the most shameful part of my life._

_I tried hard to keep it a secret, to not let her know, there was something wrong, always telling her that the hormones took the best of me. But it wasn’t the truth and sooner or later she was bound to find out._

_One Saturday evening, when our parents went on a short weekend trip, leaving us alone at home, she joined me on the couch, while I was watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It was unusual of her to just sit beside me and get under the blanket without a word, when the two of us combined were as loud as an airplane. She didn’t even utter a word, when her favorite character showed up on the screen. At first, I though something happened at school and she needed my help, but then she reached with her slender fingers for my hand and I felt a knot tightening in the pit of my stomach._

_“Hey Chittaphon,” she started off slowly, cautiously, so unlike her when she spent time with me. In addition, she used me full name, which did not happen in years. “I don’t want to intrude but I was cleaning the kitchen and you left your medicine one the table.”_

_All in all, Tern’s finding the truth was my fault._

_“You always said it was for your stomachache.” Her voice wasn’t accusatory, but full of worry. It made me sick. “It wasn’t the truth, was it?”_

_I only shook my head._

_“Why do you take meds that are supposed to help to calm down?”_

_Why do I?_

 

 

 

The music echoes through the walls, resonates in the mass of people and settles in their blood. Bodies huddles together, exchanging sweat, saliva and other body fluids. Dozens of hearts beating to the same rhythm and only one person, who controls all of them.

His fingertips itch on the turntables, sending the vibrations right to his core. His whole focus is placed on the mixer, with which he tunes the songs the way he likes them best. Headphones on and Johnny is in his element.

There is no other feeling that gives him so much complacency. It proves him, there are thing he’s good at, he likes and should keep on doing. All the self – doubt and worries are left behind, when he witnesses the direct effect his music has on other people. They become crazy, possessed by the fast beat, but it’s apparent that they are happy, enjoying their time to the fullest.

Working in _Hot Potato_ has more benefits than Johnny could ever imagine. As long as the clients are content, he’s free to choose any music he likes, no obligatory beats. The manager discovered a liking to him, so Johnny always gets the shifts before midnight, which allows him to actually get a good sleep later on. He also gets free drinks at the bar, which is a great addition.

When it nears midnight, he’s surprised the time has gone so fast. He hadn’t worked for almost three months and tonight he truly got caught up in what he was doing. The DJ, who’s working after him, comes up by the mixer and turntables, telling Johnny he already has to warm up. It is with great difficulty that Johnny leaves the place.

The adrenaline still flows in his veins, when his shifts gets over, so Johnny decides to stay just a little bit longer and bask in the feeling. The next song that comes up is not self – composed by the DJ, to Johnny’s dismay, but he likes the piece, as he’s already heard it few times. He whisper – sings the lyrics, as he heads to the bar.

_“We burned and we bled, we try to forget,  
But the memories left are still haunting.” _

No matter the late hour, the club is still crowded, so Johnny decides to slip outside, where he can sip on the beer, he just ordered, and still listen to music.

_“The walls that we built from bottles and pills  
We swallow until we’re not talking.” _

Johnny’s not alone there. There are groups of people, consisted of those, who needed a smoke and a break from the sweaty atmosphere. He looks around for a piece of not occupied space, when his eyes land on a lone figure standing few feet away.

_“What a dangerous night to fall in love.”_

It’s a slim boy, who leans on the wall. Johnny cannot see his face in the dark, but he’s sure his jeans are ripped and he wears a leather jacket. However, the most apparent thing about him is the smoke covering his posture.

When Johnny gets closer, he sees a glimpse of platinum hair and the soft slope of the boy’s nose, which suddenly seem painfully familiar.

“You have to call it fate now.” he says, stopping right in front of the boy.

There are black eyes looking up at him, but before he’s met with the characteristic smile, Johnny encounters another strange mix of emotions in Ten’s orbs. This time it’s something between fear and tiredness and an “Are you alright?” is at the tip of his tongue.

“Johnny,” Ten breathes out and he needs to inhale deeply, before his face’s discomfort is replaced with a soft smile. “What are you doing here?” he asks, bringing a cigarette to his lips.

“I work as the DJ here.”

“Wait, it was you, who was in charge of the music before?” he asks, to which Johnny nods. “It was… intense. I loved it.”

“Thanks,” Johnny answers and leans on the wall beside Ten. “And what are you doing here, except for partying to my music?”

Ten laughs shortly, his voice sounding strained, but maybe he’s just drunk and Johnny is overthinking the issue.

“I came with the guys from the dance studio I work in.”

His smile falters, after he finishes the sentence, and Johnny once again doubts its honesty. It itches him to ask, to know whether everything is alright, but he doesn’t want to be too much, doesn’t want to push.

“Don’t you work as the delivery guy?” He furrow his brows and looks at Ten. The boy is so much smaller than him, it terrifies him. “I feel lost.”

“I do but it’s a part – time job,” Ten finishes the cigarette and throws it to the ground, already taking out a packet and lighting up another one. “I came to Korea to teach in a dance studio. That’s my main occupation. Want one?” He offers the packet and Johnny takes a cigarette between his fingers. He hasn’t smoked in almost two years.

“So you’re a dancer, huh? Now I regret not paying attention to the crowd.”

He actually means it, because seeing Ten dance seems like an unmissable opportunity.

“I don’t think you missed a lot. Today is not my best day.”

Once again, he does this heavy breathing thing and tries to cover it up by smoking the cigarette. But Johnny sees it and tries to figure out, what is happening. It looks, as if Ten is holding himself up from freaking out. It doesn’t make sense, though, and Johnny makes himself believe that the boy is just drunk and tired.

But then, Ten just moved there, probably still feels in Seoul like a fish out of water, maybe does not have anyone he could ask for help, and Johnny is sincerely worried.

“Are you okay?” he asks and takes a long drag.

“Yeah,” Ten answers almost immediately. “Just, um, tired.”

“Do you want me to call you a cab?”

He looks like he wants to dismiss Johnny, say he’s fine and probably drank too much. He  even opens his mouth to voice out these thoughts but then shuts it and takes yet another deep breath.

“Would that be a problem?”

The Ten Johnny has encountered before always had that glint inside his eyes, making them sparkle with mirth and excitement. Tonight Johnny feels like he meets a totally different person but it’s not bad. Just different.

So Johnny takes his phone out and quickly dials. While he talks, he looks at Ten and sends him a reassuring smile. In exchange, the Thai boy smiles too and it’s so bright, the lamps on the street seem weak.

“It’ll be there in few minutes.” he says, after finishing the call.

Ten looks a little bit relieved and when he turns his head to face Johnny, a shadow of sparkles in his eyes shows.

“Thank you,” he smiles, not the full blast Johnny has witnessed but it still is enduring. “I owe you.”

“It really is nothing.”

The Thai boy shakes his head and pushes himself off the wall. Johnny expects him to wobble and stumble but his moves are stable. He does not look drunk at all.

“Do you accept payment in coffee, American boy?”

Ten pushes his hand into his back pocket and takes out his mobile phone, offering it to Johnny. Right now, he looks just like the shiny boy, who brought him food last week. The change is unexpected but not unwelcomed.

“Only in black.” Johnny types his phone number into the device and saves it as “Johnny” but he’s quite sure, Ten will change it, when he gets in the taxi.

The car soon pulls up and Ten makes his way towards it, going backwards so that he still can face Johnny. His smile shines in the dark street, the tension from before their encounter seemingly forgotten and it amazes Johnny, how in such a short period of time, he’s seen few different faces of the Thai boy.

“Keep your phone close,” he says loudly so that Johnny hears him over the music, blasting from the club. “You can’t miss my call!”

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2014_

_Dancing actually helps._

_In the beginning, it was difficult for me to find anything that would successfully take my mind off the problems. Working hard at school; spending more time with friends; reading a book after book – nothing was sufficient to overpower the dread building up in my stomach._

_Dancing has been my hobby since I can remember. I could always find myself jamming to catchy songs, shaking funnily my short limbs. Tern would sometimes join and we would dance and sing, until the neighbors called our parents to calm us the fuck down._

_In middle school, I joined a dance club and ever since I have treated it much more seriously than just a hobby. In some way, it became my way of living._

_However, only in my third year of high school did I realize that dancing could become my own weapon to fight the demons. It sounds really lame but this is the truth. In fact, when my body would stiff and the discomfort in my stomach would start, I used to sit still through it, hoping the feeling would go away. It never did. But then, it occurred to me that if I moved, did anything with my body, the discomfort slowly slipped out of my muscles._

_With the realization, I started dancing in order to prevent myself from letting my body and mind freak out in the most inconvenient moments. I worked like a painkiller and still does, taking away the dreadful feeling and replacing it with calmness._

_But it is a temporary solution and I am awfully aware of the fact._

 

 

 

Turns out Ten doesn’t actually call him, but sends him a text almost two weeks later, informing they meet Friday morning. Refusal not accepted. There is a screenshot attached to the message with an address and a photo of a little café. It’s a bold move, uncharacteristic for the boy he saw last time, but so adequate for the delivery boy, who brought him food.

He enters the café 10 minutes late but he’s used to people in uni being late all the time and doesn’t even expect Ten to be there. Except he’s sitting by a small table in the corner, his eyes shifting from the front door to the two mugs before him. Johnny instantly notes in his mind that Ten must be a person, who’s always on time. He wants to apologize for being late but it’s not the first thing that comes out of his mouth, when he reaches the table.

“You changed your hair.”

It used to be clear platinum, shining in the sunlight. Now, Ten’s hair is ash grey with violet strands in between. It’s an odd color but suits him nonetheless.

“Yeah, I needed a change,” It sounds funny as he’s just moved to another country. “Here’s your payment, American boy.”

Johnny gladly accepts the mug and takes a sip of the coffee. It’s bitter with the right amount of sourness and there is no better way to start a Friday than with a cup of excellent coffee.

“You didn’t have to,” he says, seeing raw glee in Ten’s eyes. “It really was nothing.”

“I’m thankful, though,” Ten picks up his own mug – it looks like he’s having a latte – and dips his lips in the milk foam. For a moment, he looks ridiculous with it on his upper lip and Johnny cannot suppress a smile. It stays on his face, even when Ten licks the milk off. “And I had a good reason to grab a coffee with you.”

Johnny isn’t sure, whether Ten’s tone is flirtatious or is it just his way of being, but Johnny is not offended. He’s almost forgotten the thrill of having such conversations.   

“You actually didn’t need it. We’ve already met by accident three times. You said it yourself, it’s fate.” The word – _fate_ – is cheesy, makes Johnny, as well as Ten, cringe but it already seems to play a bigger part in their relation. Because what other explanation do they have?

“You’re right,” Ten taps his fingers on the surface of the table and Johnny notices that each of his nails has a small dot painted on it. “And I believe it’s high time we get to ask each other thousand and one questions.”

Ten is still smiling, the corners of his lips curled upwards, showing tiny bits of his white teeth. Johnny’s always had a weakness for pretty things – be it girls, boys, or just everyday objects. It is nice to have something pleasant to look at. However, Ten seems to be different from any other pretty thing he’s seen – Johnny believes Ten is also pretty on the inside.

It troubles him, because he hasn’t had such thoughts in a very long time (a year and three months to be exact).

“How old are you?” he asks the first thing he’s genuinely curious about.

“Twenty – two.” While answering, Ten presses two fingers of each of his hands to his cheeks, making V – signs. And winks.

“You’re telling me, you’re only one year younger than me?”

“Don’t I look my age?” Ten takes another sip from his mug and proudly smiles.

“You have a baby face.”

Johnny’s answer takes him off guard and Ten instantly frowns. He experimentally touches his face, as if inspecting its structure.

“I don’t,” When Johnny can’t stand it anymore, he laughs, to which the Thai boy scrunches his nose. “Off to another question.” Ten decides to change the topic. “You come from Chicago, work as a DJ. What else do you do?”

“I study at Yonsei,” he says but without much pride. It is one of the best universities in the whole world but Johnny can’t wait to just graduate. “International cooperation.”

“And that was fucking unexpected.”

Ten reminds Johnny of a cube. The better he gets to know him, the more sides of him he witnesses. Hearing Ten curse is strange but oddly suits him. It makes him an exquisite mixture of courageous, bashful and rude. And the cube is still turning.

“Don’t I look smart enough?” Johnny rises his brows and opens his eyes widely, imitating Ten. He tries mastering an offended look.

Ten just shakes his head.

“It’s just that you’re a great DJ. Your music was impressive, so original. You composed it on your own, didn’t you?” Johnny can only nod in agreement. “Then why aren’t you in some music academy?”

Silence spreads around them like a predator taking a hold of his victim. It downs on Ten he touched a sensitive topic, worry shadowing his features. And Johnny wants to come up with a lie – something he did so many times – but cannot find it in himself to do so. He just doesn’t feel like lying to Ten, doesn’t even like the idea of doing so. Maybe he’s just had enough of lies and omitting the truth.

“Because it’s nothing your parents expect you to achieve.”

The answer leaves a bitter aftertaste on his tongue.

Dark eyes want to look inside his soul but they don’t dare to without a proper consent. Small wrinkles form around them and it’s unnecessary to look at Ten’s lips to know that he’s smiling. It’s reassuring, comforting but most importantly honest.

“Never forget that being smart is _smoking_ hot.” It sounds even more cringey than Johnny’s line about fate but successfully changes the topic of their conversation. Ten’s flirtatious attitude is once again showing up, easing the atmosphere around them.

“I’m gonna make it my motto for the last year in uni.” He’s thankful that Ten is not being oblivious and knows when to not dwell too much. “Why did you come to Korea of all the countries? Do you have family or friends here?”

Before Ten starts speaking, he’s shaking his head again.

“I don’t have anyone here but I needed a change of environment. Korea is not so far from Thailand, the living standards are high and there was a need for new dance instructors in Seoul.”

It’s obvious that there is a hidden story behind Ten’s words. Johnny is not about to ask, even though, he’s curious. Why did he left his country? What made him do it? But then again, that’s exactly what Johnny has done years ago, right after he finished high school.

Maybe, just _maybe_ Ten is just searching for his place in the world.  

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2015_

_It’s a vicious circle that’s never, ever, going to stop turning. I pray for it to wait, at least to slow down, but no matter what, I know it will keep on happening. There is no ideal medicine, nothing to cure me, except the acceptance – which in the end happens to be a delusion._

_“Don’t overreact” is what everyone is trying to burn into my mind. “It’s going to be fine” said over and over again sound like the greatest lie. “The fear is only in your head” makes me choke on fresh air. I’m sick of people proving me wrong, telling me that I’m making the whole issue up; that it’s not as serious as I take it._

_While in reality, it’s them, who are wrong._

_And even though, I’m well aware of the fact, it still hurts, words cutting into my skin and drawing blood. I want others to understand, to accept and respect, what I am like now – I will always be. But it is too much, no one will ever fully understand, so I lock myself up. Only this way I can be safe._

_Tern says it’s unhealthy; that this exact attitude is what will bring me to the bottom. Any other way, I don’t feel secure, though. Maybe one day I will find someone to rely on and to trust – to let them help me, save me._

_But for now, I shall stay on my own._

 

 

 

Loud slurping, thick smell of spices and burning of soju is what defines a pleasant evening with friends in Johnny’s dictionary. Taeil infectiously laughs, while Yuta recalls his last clubbing adventures. Taeyong just taps his combat boots on the humid floor. Tonight, they decided to meet upon steaming BBQ and sour pickles. Even, when Johnny meets with Taeyong and Taeil at uni almost everyday and shares a flat with Yuta, he’d never truly have enough of the boys.

“Since our Johnny boy has come back from The States, the four of us didn’t party together,”  
Yuta exclaims dramatically over his already bitten piece of beef. “We need to hit the floor!”

“You need to be hit with a rock.” Taeyong murmurs and gets more comfy on the small wooden chair, he’s sitting on.

“But seriously,” Yuta continues, as if he didn’t hear the threat at all. “You and Johnny need to get laid. It’s a disguise, even Taeil has got a girl and look, how happy he is.” To highlight his rights, he points at the oldest of them all, who, in fact, is full of joy. But it’s not because of his relationship, he’s just tipsy. “We’re going out next Saturday!”

Taeyong already has his mouth opened, ready to give Yuta a piece of his mind, but Johnny butts in first.

“I can’t, I’m working.”

“We’ll come join you.”

When Yuta is set on something, it’s difficult to draw him from it. However, Johnny is not going to give in this time, because he’s already promised Ten, they would meet, after Johnny finishes working this Saturday. And as much as he adores his friends, we wants to get to know the Thai boy better, before they meet. Also, he’s still not sure about Ten’s level of Korean, as they’ve only spoken in English, and Johnny knows his friends suck at his mother tongue.

“I’m not going to hit on someone in my work place,” It’s his easiest path of defense. “That’s my rule number one.”

“But, Johnny, you don’t hit on anyone anywhere.”

“And you hit on everyone everywhere.” Taeyong finally speaks up, while reaching for kimchi with his chopsticks.

Taeil laughs so hard, they worry the owner is soon going to throw them out.

“Could you stop being so bitter?” Yuta whines due to too much soju. He’s stepping on thin ice and Johnny worries Taeyong is going to land a fist on the Japanese’s face.

“Do you want to die?”

“I understand, why Johnny’s like that, even though, it’s been over a year. He has a fucking good reason. You, on the other hand, just forgot that a one – night – stand should forever stay one. You don’t hook up with them more than once.”

Suddenly, Taeyong’s anger vanishes, leaving only a vulnerable boy sitting in his massive combat boots and with pink fringe falling into his eyes. Johnny was away for two months but it’s apparent, what he took as a small matter isn’t one. His friend is more broken than he imagined.

“Yuta, you’re being too much.” Taeil butts in, seemingly more sober than before.

“What’s your problem?” Taeyong’s question is soaring with pain, Johnny didn’t know the other hid.

“I worry,” Yuta takes a breath and out of nowhere his voice becomes more soothing. “I just believe that Jaehyun doesn’t deserve you. He’s the reason, why you’re hurting.”

It’s an unexpected turn of events but Yuta isn’t Johnny’s best friend for nothing. It’ just that the Japanese boy has a strange way of showing his concern for his friends. Mostly, people mistaken him for simply being rude.

Taeyong is not speaking up and so the silence between the, stretches uncomfortably. His eyes are empty, even when Yuta reaches out for his hand and whispers, “I’m sorry for being an ass.”

Johnny supposes it’s better to change the topic, even though, he’s not sure it’ll be a wise decision. But it’s the only thing that comes to his mind.

“Yuta, you remember the guy I met on the plane from Hong Kong?”

“The one you didn’t fuck?” There are some things about Nakamoto Yuta that will forever stay unchanged.

“I met him again.”

And so Johnny lets his friends know about the first two encounters he’s had with Ten in Seoul. He doesn’t mention the fact that they’ve exchanged number, or that they’ve met for a coffee last Friday. But he succeeded in successfully changing the topic and not suffocating Taeyong anymore.

The things he does for his friends.

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2016_

_I had trouble sleeping last night._  

_You would believe that it’s nothing strange for a twenty year old man; that it happens to everyone; that some choose on their own to stay awake until 3 a.m. . The problem isn’t in the fact that I don’t sleep but that my body prevents me from falling asleep. It keeps me awake, no matter how hard I try._

_I woke up about an hour after I fell asleep. There was no actual reason for that, maybe it became a little chilly after I left the window ajar, but it isn’t a good reason to wake up in the middle of the night. Everything was fine, so I laid on the side and tried to fall asleep again. But to no avail._

_The longer I stayed awake, the more presence of my fear I could feel. It crept to me, taking small but solid steps and soon I knew I was doomed. Goosebumps, unexpected shivers, cold sweats, horrible stomachache. I tried thinking about something else, breathing deeply, counting sheep but nothing – n o t h i n g – could stop it._

_I fell, however, not asleep and meeting with the ground was painful, to say the least. It crushed every bone of the core that held the positive part of my mind, mingled the insides of my fear and made me bleed with hatred – against myself._

_Because I’m sick and tired of what’s happening with me. I’ve got enough. I’ve seen that the world doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me, I accept, so can it, please, stop hurting? Can I finally go out like any other young man? Can I stay up all night and party without thinking, when I’m going to start freaking out? Can I go to sleep?_

_And, hopefully, never wake up._

_~~never never never never never never never~~ _

 

 

 

Johnny’s in a trance.

Even though, it’s an often occurrence, while he is standing by the mixer, today it feels more… intense. Maybe it’s because he had a good day – he took notes on the lecture, had a great lunch with Taeil and was generally in good mood throughout the whole day. Maybe it’s because he’s got a nice flow tonight, in result each and every song he mixes turns out smooth, with no out – of – tune parts. Maybe it’s because he has a clear view at the merry dancing people in front of him. At Ten, to be exact.

The Thai boy is carefreely moving to the beat of Johnny’s songs, as if they were made specially for him (or is he the one made for dancing to the songs?). The fluorescent lights flicker on his exposed arms, collarbones and sometimes on his knees, which poke out of holes in his black jeans. It’s hard to tell, what color is his hair tonight, but Johnny is sure he must have dyed it recently, adding a blue shade to the previous greyish – violet one.

Looking at him is so absorbing, Johnny barely manages working on the turntables. There is a strange feeling burning his fingertips, tickling his heart. Pinpointing its exact name for now is unnecessary but all in all Johnny feels so proud, he’s met Ten. He is a fresh person in his life with no memories of Johnny from before a year ago; someone, who he can befriend basing on his contemporary personality.

Soon it nears midnight, the end of Johnny’s shift. He’s going to pass the stand to the next DJ but before that happens, he plays the last song. Johnny is not a fan of mixing the songs, he did not write on his own, however, there is one that’s been stuck in his head for few days now. So he lets it fill the club, echo off the walls and walks into the crowd.

 _“All of me is in your hands,_  
I could go to Rome,  
go to Japan,  
and find nobody,  
not even anyone like you.” 

Finding Ten once again occurs to be difficult, even though, Johnny towers above all the other partiers, the Thai boy itself is rather tiny. In the mass of people, it’s hard to tell who is who and Johnny considers getting outside and calling the boy. He reaches the place on the dancefloor, where he swears he’s seen Ten, but there is no sight of him.

Suddenly, there are arms winding around his neck and Johnny braces himself for an attack of some wild, drunk girl. That’s what he expects after the feeling of the skinny arms. And then there are lips – thin and a little chapped – on his cheek, leaving a small kiss there. Johnny is about to push the person away with all his might but he hears them laugh and it makes him abruptly stop.

“You’re crazy.” he says, after the initial shock.

Ten is laughing, his eyes turning into crescent moons and cheeks coloring with pink. He smells of alcohol and cigarettes, which helps Johnny realize that the boy is probably dead ass drunk. He still clings to Johnny, hands on the taller’s shoulders, their bodies barely inches apart.

“You finally came,” Ten shouts, so he can be heard over the loud music. “I got tired from just looking at you.” His fingers ding into Johnny’s shirt and soon the Thai boy is tiptoeing and bringing his lips closer to Johnny’s ear. “You have to dance with me, American boy.”

And so Johnny does.

 _“When I look into your eyes,_ __  
they hypnotize me, I can't move,  
there's nothing more to say,  
hypnotized”

For once, he decides to let go of worries, unwanted thoughts and dilemmas, whether he should, or not, get so close with Ten. He lets himself be free in this specific moment. He circles Ten’s waist with his arms and brings the younger boy closer. They don’t move in sync – Ten is all about smooth and gentle moves, while Johnny is rougher, less graceful – but they work and it’s all that matters.

It gets hot on the dancefloor. Sweaty bodies cradled together, grinding on each other, moving to the hypnotizing beat. The world outside does not exist. They don’t have to breath on the suffocating air, which meddles with all their worries and fears. They have a chance to forget for just a little moment that the world is filled with anger, pain and sorrow.

“I though you wouldn’t dance with me.” Ten declares, when they dance to the third song in the row.

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” He shrugs. “Just thought you wouldn’t, you know, with me.”

His smile is still there, lingering on every word he says, but Johnny can clearly see, what Ten means. That he wouldn’t dance with Ten, because he is also a man; because they’re in public; because they can be judged. And Johnny doesn’t want the Thai boy to degrade himself – because Ten has a bright, colorful personality that could heal the worst diseases of the world.

Johnny brings him even closer and leans his forehead on Ten’s one.

“Why wouldn’t I dance with the most gorgeous person in the club?”

He doesn’t mean to flirt with Ten, to woo him. It’s just his genuine desire to make the boy think better of himself. Because he’s worth it.

“Day by day, you’re still surprising me, American boy.” It’s hard to tell in the fluorescent light but Johnny is almost sure that Ten’s cheeks become more rosy. He’s not certain though, because the Thai boy soon tighten his hold on Johnny’s shoulders and presses his face into his neck.

It’s intimate – much closer than they’ve ever been before – however, Johnny doesn’t despise the feeling. There is freshness to it, as never before has he made such actions towards another man without the idea of simply sleeping with them. He’s had sex with both women and men but he could never find it in himself to be in a relationship with a man. It just didn’t click. Despite the fact, in the middle of the dancefloor, Johnny realizes he doesn’t mind holding Ten like this – close to his wounded heart.

Maybe, just _maybe_ , Ten could patch up the cuts with his blinding smile.

They dance some more, still not moving in sync, which doesn’t bother them at all, until Ten pushes his fingers through the back of Johnny’s hair and brings him a little closer to his lips.

“I need a smoke.”

After pushing through the sweaty crowd and being hit by chilly night air, Johnny finds himself leaning on the wall of the club with a cigarette between his lips and Ten’s shoulder tickling his. It’s a stupid thought but Johnny hasn’t been smoking for a very long time and once he does it with the Thai boy, if feels, as if some part – hopefully the better one – of his past self has come back.

“You look at peace.” Ten says, while breathing out the smoke, which frames the smooth slide of his nose. Johnny does not know, what is happening, but he cannot take his eyes off.

“And I hoped you’d say I look hot.” He pouts a little just for emphasis. “I haven’t smoked in a very long time.” He reasons, even though, it’s not the full truth. It is Ten’s presence that makes him feel better.

“And why is that?” There is glee and mirth in Ten’s eyes shining in the streetlight. A smirk stretches his lips, as he arches a brow at Johnny in raw interest.

Johnny ponders, whether he should make up a quick lie or just go for the real reason. He would love to keep his memories in the past, not come back to them and hopefully forget. Although, he wishes to no let others know, how much he’s still hurting, Johnny feels like he could tell Ten. Just a little bit – without the most harmful part, without the unnecessary bitter feelings.

“I quit, because my ex-girlfriend hated the smell.” he says and gets a heavy drag.

“I believe that was a good reason to dump her.”

“Actually, _she_ dumped _me_ but, yeah, now I can freely burn my lungs.” Johnny finishes with a soft, bitter laugh, which doesn’t efficiently hide his discomfort. He waits for a ton of question – why his girlfriend left him, what has he done – but Ten’s next words come as a surprise.

“She must have lost all her senses to leave a man like you.”

If Ten wasn’t drunk, he probably would never say something like that out loud. But he’s already past the tipsy stage, his body swinging lightly from left to right and mind working by alcohol’s rules. He doesn’t look like he minds, what he’s said at all.

Johnny looks at Ten – his smaller frame, sharp nose and black eyes. There is something  enduring about the boy, the things he does, the things he says. Then Johnny’s attention focuses on his thin lip and he wants to deem it on the late hour but the truth is Ten is just really pretty.

Soon there are fingers once again finding perches on the nape of his neck. They’re thin and so cold that Johnny wishes to interwind them with his ones to share warmth. But then Ten gets on tiptoes, Johnny bends down and forgets about Ten’s fingers, when he can only think about his lips.

He doesn’t get to taste them, though, as a foreign arm makes its way on his shoulder.

“I never know, how you do it but you always choose the most attractive people around you.”

Johnny immediately turns to the newcomer and isn’t even surprised, when he sees his best friend smiling like he just didn’t ruin the moment, of which he is one hundred per cent aware.

“Yuta, what the fuck?”

The Japanese boy starts laughing at him and it’s apparent that he’s drunk too.

“We told you that we’ll come! Taeyong and Taeil are inside.”

Johnny looks at Ten, waiting for his reaction. The rosiness from his cheeks is gone and his eyes quickly lost the carefree mirth. He seems to be more reserved, not at ease with this turn of events.

“That’s my best friend and flatmate.” Johnny finally says, when he realizes, he has to introduce them to each other.

“Nakamoto Yuta.” The Japanese boy stick his hand out and the younger shakes it.

“Ten.”

“Johnny’s been talking about you lately,” he says just to tease and Johnny really wants to kick his friend – hopefully on the shin, where it hurts the most. “The boys are waiting by the bar, will you join us?”

This time, somehow, Johnny knows exactly, what Ten will say.

“I was actually about to head home but thanks for inviting me,” He flashes his characteristic smile and even Yuta seems to be astonished. He then turns to Johnny, who’s still focused on the other’s lips – though, this time due to the pretty smile. “Thank you for tonight. I’ll call you later, American boy.” He takes a step back and in a moment, disappears in a taxi that has just stopped before the club.

It’s until Ten is gone, Johnny realizes the Thai boy had his hand on his neck the whole time Yuta was with them.

“Johnny.”

“Yes?” He snaps his head from the direction, where the taxi was and looks at his best friend.

“Were you about to kiss him, before I came?”

Johnny knows that it’s not a simple question or at least the vague of the answer is not. Because he hasn’t been seeing anyone for a very long time and having someone he wanted something more with means a lot.

“I was. Why?”

“Ten,” Yuta says and Johnny wonders, why does his best friend look so worried. “It’s a nickname. What is his real name?”

_Oh._

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2017_

_Being 21 is strange. Neither good, nor bad, but definitely strange as hell. Or at least, that’s what me being 21 is._

_There is an idea of a successful 21 – year – old boy in my mind. Someone, who has lots of friends; who goes out with them any given moment and experiences the best of adventures. Someone, who comes back home drunk in the middle of the night; who takes spontaneous trips and laughs till their stomach can’t handle it anymore._

_I am well aware that it’s misguided, inaccurate in countless of aspects but it is what I’ve always seen – through my parent’s experience and tons of books and movies. No matter, how stupid I am to believe it, I wholeheartedly do._

_Because I am everything I never wanted to be. I don’t have friends. The ones from high school left me and the people I met I uni already have their own cycle of friends. There are people I talk to but there is not even one single person that I can call a true friend. (Except for Tern of course but she’s my sister.)_

_Therefore, I don’t go out and even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t do it. Because there is a demon living in the depth of my mind, depriving me of freedom. It tenses my muscles each time someone finally calls to ask me to go out and messes with my stomach, when I stay up too late, because I know that there is a point from which falling asleep will be almost impossible for me._

_Others would say that it’s normal; that sometimes everyone goes through such faze; that it’s okay, because things like that happen. But I cannot accept it. The feeling of fright is always with me. It never, never, never, never, never, never leaves me alone. I tried fighting. I took medicines, went to a therapy but it’s still there. Even after all these years._

_As I don’t even have friends, my love life has been nonexistent since I broke up with my first and last boyfriend, when I was 15. I went through many stages to accept the reality. There was hope, then fear, anger, and after I cried a fucking river I finally stopped caring. I realized that I don’t even want to be in a relationship, because I don’t want anyone to be hurting considering, what a burden I am._

_When I was 19, the mere though about being alone for the rest of my life made my throat close up and caused tears to spill down my cheeks. Today, I believe that I’m accepting the reality._

_It’s painful but it’s the only way I know._

**10**  
_hi  
_ 01:46 am

 **10**  
_sorry I didn’t answer ur call but I was busy  
_ 01:46 am

 **10**  
_work is a bitch  
_ 01:47 am

 **american boy**  
_no worries, it wasn’t that urgent  
_ 01:53 am

 **american boy**  
_just wanted to check up on u  
_ 01:53 am

 **american boy**  
_were u working until now?  
_ 01:55 am

 **10**  
_no. i came home around 11 but I had to prepare lunch for tomorrow, do laundry and then I started thinking about life, while listening to music and ended up forgetting that I have to go to sleep  
_ 01:58 am

 **10**  
_so I texted u hoping u’d still be awake  
_ 01:58 am

 **american boy**  
_aren’t u tired?  
_ 01:59 am

 **10**  
_it’s the stage where I’m so tired I can’t fall asleep  
_ 02:00 am

 **10**  
_but aren’t u tired? please tell me u weren’t sleeping  
_ 02:00 am

 **american boy**  
_it’s fine and I’m probably in a similar situation  
_ 02:02 am

 **american boy**  
_I’m working on a new song but it feels as if I can’t quite get a hold of the right tunes  
_ 02:03 am

 **10**  
_there must be something about the song that makes it so difficult for u to compose  
_ 02:06 am

 **american boy**  
_I wanted it to be slower, more sensual  
_ 02:07 am

 **american boy**  
_not like the regular EDM I do  
_ 02:07 am

 **10**  
_why the sudden change?  
_ 02:09 am

 **american boy**  
_I’m not really sure  
_ 02:10 am

 **american boy**  
_maybe that’s what my heart needed  
_ 02:13 am

 **10**  
_cute  
_ 02:15 am

 **10**  
_there is a song that got stuck in my mind lately and I can’t help humming it ALL the time  
_ 02:16 am

 **10**  
_it’s called Things I’d Do For You by Astronomyy  
_ 02:16 am

 **10**  
_u should check it out  
_ 02:16 am

 **american boy**  
_will surely do  
_ 02:17 am

 **american boy**  
_thank u  
_ 02:17 am

 **10**  
_u will thank me if it helps  
_ 02:18 am

 **american boy**  
_will u be free any time soon? how about a coffee?  
_ 02:20 am

 **10**  
_it’s hard to tell now  
_ 02:20 am

 **10**  
_I took more deliveries and there is a dance group I’m preparing for a bigger performance  
_ 02:21 am

 **10**  
_it’s time-consuming  
_ 02:21 am

 **american boy**  
_I was just asking, no pressure  
_ 02:22 am

 **american boy**  
_is the performance going to be open for any viewers?  
_ 02:23 am

 **american boy**  
_can I come see it?  
_ 02:24 am

 **american boy**  
_where is the studio?  
_ 02:24 am

 **10**  
_so many questions  
_ 02:26 am

 **american boy**  
_I’m just curious  
_ 02:26 am

 **american boy**  
_are u going to dance with them?  
_ 02:26 am

 **10**  
_yes  
_ 02:27 am

 **american boy**  
_omg I have to come see u dance!  
_ 02:27 am

 **10**  
_u’ve seen me dance already  
_ 02:28 am

 **american boy**  
_but that’s a totally different scenery  
_ 02:29 am

 **10**  
_I suddenly became REALLY tired  
_ 02:30 am

 **10**  
_I think I’m going to go to bed now  
_ 02:30 am

 **american boy**  
_oh come on Ten  
_ 02:30 am

 **american boy**  
_just tell me where is the studio  
_ 02:31 am

 **10**  
_it’s so cozy under the covers  
_ 02:32 am

 **american boy**  
_don’t u do this to me  
_ 02:32 am

 **10**  
_I’m drifting off to sleep  
_ 02:32 am

 **american boy**  
_Ten!  
_ 02:32 am

 **10**  
_Johnny!  
_ 02:32 am

 **american boy**  
_yes?  
_ 02:33 am

 **10**  
_you’re a big boy  
_ 02:33 am

 **10**  
_go to sleep  
_ 02:33 am

 **american boy**  
_ok. bye. :(  
_ 02:34 am

 **10**  
_goodnite <3   
_02:34 am

 **american boy**  
_sweet dreams  
_ 02:51am

 

 

 

_Thailand, 2012_

_This feeling had become a constant part of my everyday life. It was always there, never leaving me alone. I tried reasoning it with the beginning of high school – with new experiences and challenges – but it didn’t subside with time. Only got worse._

_At some point, as I analyzed each and every symptom of mine – the tiredness, problems with eating in the morning, uncontrolled stress in the evening, horrible stomachaches and sleepless nights – I was scared, it was depression. I did a research and found out, I perfectly fitted in the scheme._

_It made my stomach turn three times worse than it usually did._

_I couldn’t talk about it with my mom, I didn’t know, how to tell her. Dad was out of question. Tern was too young. So I met with the guidance counselor at our school. And told her everything, which wasn’t easy. The talk took us over two hours and I still wasn’t sure, if I did even a fairly good job at describing the situation._

_After I finished, she seemed worried, telling me that, in fact, I probably had depression. But there was also something else, because the first thing she told me, after I finished my monologue was “It’s not stress you feel”. I couldn’t fully understand, what she meant, but at that moment, I didn’t have to._

_I left her office with a number messily written on a small piece of paper._

_A number to a psychiatrist._

_It took an approximately long time to convince my parents to let me go on a therapy, because they thought only really mentally ill people needed treatment. I told Tern, I was going to see a doctor, which wasn’t an exact lie. A psychiatrist is a doctor. I, myself, was just in desperate need of help. ~~Because I knew, if I hadn’t done anything, I would have already been dead.~~_

_In the middle of the first year of high school; at a time, which was supposed to be the best of my whole life; when I was to make the greatest of the memories, I was diagnosed._

_Anxiety disorder._

 

 

 

“I don’t know what’s happening, Johnny, but for the first time in my life I can’t help the feeling.”

It’s Tuesday, the week has barely started, but Johnny is already handling the first teary friend conversation on the phone and it’s just too early for that. He’s used to such events in the further part of the week, however, as he’s about to finally rest after two day at uni, he just wants to lay down with his laptop and focus on creating a new song.

He’s not going to leave Taeyong crying alone, though.

“He said that we can’t see each other anymore but it’s been almost three months and we just keep gravitating to each other. We decided to end it but last night I got drunk and called him and he came to my place and we had sex and– I don’t understand, why is it so hard to let him go?”

Johnny still hasn’t been fully updated on the matter with Taeyong and the other boy. He knows that his name is Jaehyun, that they’ve met in a club, that their relation was supposed to terminate after one night. However, something went wrong along the way. Johnny doesn’t know Jaehyun, has no idea why the other wanted to finish their relation, when it started escalating, but he’s damn sure the two boys have feeling for each other and that’s the reason, they find it so difficult to stop seeing each other.

“Taeyong,” he says softly, as the other starts loudly weeping on the phone. “Taeyong, you’re going to get a headache.”

“Fuck it.” He can almost imagine the boy stomping his foot and crossing arms over his chest. “My heart hurts ten thousand times worse.”

The sobbing goes on, the ugly sound of a broken heart echoing through the phone and Johnny feels the memories of his own wounded self knocking at his heart. It’s difficult to help your friend, when you haven’t been able to aid yourself for such a long time.

“Have you ever thought,” he starts off warily, trying to overcome Taeyong’s sobs. “that maybe you’re in love with him?”

The crying dies out, only soft muffled sniffing left, but Johnny isn’t going to hear the answer. From the corner of his eye, he sees Yuta, who up till now was playing a game on his phone in the kitchen, standing up and making his way towards him. Before Johnny can react, his phone is snatched from his hand.

“Stop overreacting, crybaby,” says Yuta. It’s evident that Taeyong is instantly raising his voice at him but the Japanese boy only rolls his eyes. “I’ll be at yours in 30 minutes. Don’t cry yourself to death.”

When the phone is given back to Johnny, the call is long finished.

“Will you handle him on your own?” he asks, before Yuta leaves, even though, he’s one hundred per cent sure Yuta will do a great job.

“Don’t you have morning classes tomorrow?” Yuta stands at the front door, ready to go out, key in his left hand. “And I know, he’s been skipping lately, so I better beat some sense into him.” And the door closes after him.

Johnny is sure Yuta is going to spent the night at Taeyong’s place, so he has the whole night for himself. Which means maybe, _maybe_ he’ll finally be able to start the new song. He’s had problems with composing it, ever since he decided to make that new piece. There is just some feeling about it that he can’t quite grasp.

He opens his laptop, already fearing that the inspiration might not come – again. However, he’s willing to try and so he starts the program. He listens to his latest try at composing it and soon after opens a whole new file. It doesn’t sound the way, he wants it to. He needs to start anew.

There is a thought at the back of his mind that Ten is the reason behind his unsuccessful songwriting. Johnny isn’t really sure yet about his feelings, it’s all mixed up and blurry but he knows he wants to spend more and more time with the Thai boy. He tries not to categories it, not to dwell on it too much, even though, he knows he will.

Never before has he thought about being in a relationship with another man. And as from the beginning of their relation he never thought about just going to bed with Ten, but was clearly interested in him, he reached a conclusion that this time, he wanted something more than a single night spend together with another man.

But then came the question – why? He still wasn’t sure, whether he was feeling a stronger attraction to Ten or his last relationship brought so much pain, he automatically dismissed the idea of once again being with a girl. He was scared, it was the second option. Because he wanted it to be a true feeling, not his mind desperately seeking comfort in the first person that he showed interest in in such a long time.

But then maybe, _maybe_ the case whether he was in a relationship with a girl or boy didn’t matter right now, as he just wanted to be with Ten – the Thai dancer with a smile that could brighten the darkest of nights. Johnny felt attracted to his unusual confidence, loud laugh and the crease between his brows, which formed when he thought too deeply.

On the other hand, Yuta’s question keeps coming to him like an unwanted headache.

_“Ten. It’s a nickname. What is his real name?”_

And Johnny couldn’t respond, because he doesn’t know Ten’s real name. Just like he doesn’t know, where does Ten live, where is the dance studio, he works at. The reason why he left Thailand, why wasn’t he feeling alright, when Johnny met him for the first time in the club, why did he leave, when Yuta approached them.

He believes, _hopes_ , he just thinks to much. That Ten truly is a bubbly, flirtatious and radiant person an there is nothing to worry about. But then again, he’s seen him worried, strangely anxious and he just wants to know, which image of the Thai boy is the real one.

The case may also lay in the fact that Ten’s been declining his offer to meet for almost two weeks now. They text a lot, sometimes even call each other way too late at night but when Johnny talks about a meeting, Ten always finds a reason not to come. But then maybe he really is busy and Johnny is just overthinking the matter.

It is not in Johnny’s intention to disrupt Ten’s peace, to annoy him, to push him into something the other might not like. But he’s unnerved, his fingers itch, heart swells and Johnny knows, he terribly misses Ten. So he chooses the last option that comes into his mind.

He calls for delivery.

There is no assurance Ten will be the one to make it, but it’s the only thing that came to Johnny’s mind, which will make the younger one meet him. It still is bugging him that he might be overstepping lines, crossing Ten’s comfort zone, but then he is reminded of all the times Ten messaged him in the middle of the day, saying he _missed his vibes_. Although, Ten meant the songs Johnny composed and played in the club, he hopes he also meant, he missed Johnny – as a person.

The doorbell echoes through the apartment and Johnny is thankful that Yuta isn’t home, because he would have teased him about the way he tripped, while sprinting to the front door.

“Are you the one, who ordered jajangmyeon?” Ten asks, his smile wide, eyes shining and hair dyed a sand – blonde shade. Even though, the orange cap and jacket with Shuttle’s logo on it, he looks mesmerizing.

The though kind of makes Johnny want to freak out but he shakes his head instead.

“No, I ordered _two_ portions of jajangmyeon, a set of pickles and a hot delivery guy.”

Ten laughs, his voice unrestrained, carefree and filled with joy. He rolls his eyes at Johnny but his cheeks color with a light shade of pink and the taller one can clearly see, how flustered the Thai boy is.

“I’ll have to check the order then, sir.”

“No need for that,” Johnny interrupts him and leans on the door frame, trying to sound nonchalant, while his insides turn into jelly. “You could just join me for a late – night – dinner.”

The look in Ten’s eyes tells Johnny that he’s torn, not sure how to respond and somehow Johnny knows, he’s going to look for an excuse.

“I’m working, American boy.”

“No, you’re not. The restaurant, you work at, closes at 9:30 pm and it’s way past that hour, which means I was the last client.” He doesn’t mention the last time Ten delivered him food and openly lied about his working hours. “Please, Ten. It’s been so long.”

Before his eyes, Ten looks to the floor, switching balance from his left to right foot, and chews on his bottom lip. He doesn’t seem persuaded but when his eyes meet Johnny’s ones again, he smiles softly and Johnny feels dizzy just from looking at the tiny boy.

“Just for the dinner.”

“Of course.” Johnny replies, beaming at him like a mad man. Maybe, just _maybe_ Ten makes him go a little bit insane.

He sticks his hand out to reach for the paper bag that Ten hold but instead of taking it from him, he hooks his fingers around Ten’s slim ones and directs him inside the apartment.

They settle on the couch, two bowls of steaming noodles before them on a coffee table and few smaller ones with pickles. Johnny brings the chopsticks from his kitchen and offers a pair to Ten. Before they dig into the food, Johnny plays a playlist made out of his own songs softly in the back ground, so it doesn’t interrupt them, but sets a nice mood.

“You paid the place, where I work, to feed me.” Ten says, after taking the first bite. “It’s insane.”

“I though you’d say, it’s stupid.” Johnny slurps, while eating, like the real Korean man, even though, he isn’t one actually.

“Stupid too but I didn’t want to make you cry, big boy.”

“Thanks for caring about my vulnerable heart.”

They laugh about it, lightly kicking each other on the shins and stuffing their mouths with salty noodles. However, there is no lie in what Johnny said. His heart is vulnerable, has been defenseless for a year, four months and twenty – seven days (not like he’s counting, not at all), but when he’s with Ten, he starts loosing the track of time, not caring about what was in the past. What made him develop such a trauma.

“Isn’t your flatmate home?” Ten asks, when they finish eating and rests his head on the backrest.

“Yuta went to save my other friend, Taeyong, from his broken heart.” His voice becomes soft and he’s not sure, whether it is, because of the tiredness slipping into him or because he thinks about his friends with genuine love. “Funny how love always comes in package with tears and pain.”

He didn’t intend to slip any of his own experiences, thought he could leave Ten out of his past, but maybe, _maybe_ details like that would not make Ten jump into conclusions.

However, when his gentle hand finds Johnny’s neck and pushes through the back of his hair, the way it did in the club, but the gesture now much more soothing, Johnny knows Ten is easily capable of reading between the lines.

“You need to let that wound heal, Johnny.”

 _“How am I supposed to?”_ is at the tip of his tongue but he refrains himself from saying it out loud. Ten, sober and drunk, made notice of Johnny’s small slips about his past relationship and, even though, he isn’t acquainted with the story, he seems to be aware of how bad Johnny is still getting through the breakup.

Johnny turns his head towards Ten, eyes focusing on the younger’s face – his eyes, nose, _lips_. It’s enduring just to watch him, to admire his features, his hand still in Johnny’s hair and the older just wants to–

“Kiss me.”

“What?!”

It’s after he said it, he realizes he said it out loud. Ten instantly takes his hand away, eyes wide with surprise and Johnny knows he, himself, doesn’t look any better. He can feel his cheeks burning.

“Kiwi! I have kiwi in the fridge! I thought you’d want some!” He stand up, while still rumbling under his nose. He’s on his way to the kitchen, where he hopes to cool down just a bit, when he hears Ten’s stern voice.

“Don’t.”

Johnny turns around to see Ten sitting with his knees curled towards his chest and eyes filled with shock, pure surprise and even… disgust? Johnny worries, he fucked up, terribly fucked up, as he looks at Ten’s mortified face.

“Don’t bring the fruits.”

_Wait, what?_

“Huh?” he can only mumble under his nose, while looking dumbfoundedly at the Thai boy.

“The fruits,” Ten repeats, while furrowing his brows. He kind of reminds Johnny of a little boy that was made by his mother to eat brussels. “They’re scary.”

Johnny comes back to sit on the couch, this time much closer to Ten, his brows raised high and mouth left open. He can’t believe his slip of words is just going unnoticed.

“Are you telling me, you’re scared of fruits?”

Ten bites into his lower lip, eyes avoiding the older man, and reluctantly nods.

“Not like I can help it.”

Maybe it’s because of the slight heart attack that he just experienced, maybe it’s because Ten being scared of fruits seem ridiculous, no matter the exact reason, Johnny starts to laugh.

“You’re crazy!”

He falls on the cushions, holding his stomach, while his laughter echoes through the walls. He can feel a hand shaking his arm, asking him for attention, but he can’t help himself.

“Stop it, Johnny! It’s not funny!”

It’s not really that funny, right, but the absurdness of the situation makes him squirm, eyes water and laughter rumble through his body with more force every passing second. There is just something about what happened that forbids him to calm down.

Until there is a pair of lips pressed firmly onto his.

That silences Johnny very efficiently.

Ten’s lips are thin and chapped but they move in the gentlest of way. The move is bold, quite courageous even for the Thai boy, however, in the way the kiss doesn’t escalate into anything deeper, Johnny can see that Ten isn’t really sure, what he is doing right now.

Just as suddenly Ten’s lips met his, they’re gone. He pulls away with flushed cheeks, sitting on the furthest end of the couch. His eyes aren’t meeting Johnny’s ones and in this very moment, when Ten suddenly looks vulnerable and delicate, Johnny wants to coo, because _he’s just so cute._

“You wouldn’t shut up.” Ten mumbles, trying to justify his action. However, Johnny doesn’t want them to have an excuse to reason their kiss. That’s what they did and his fine with it. Maybe, _maybe_ even more than fine.

“Crazy, indeed.”

This time, it’s Johnny, who leans forward to connects their lips. He holds Ten’s face with his left hand, gentle fingers on the cheek, while his right arm sneaks to the Thai boy’s waist. It’s odd to laugh one minute at Ten’s strange fear of fruits and to kiss him the other but Johnny cannot imagine himself doing any other thing. It feels right – even when their teeth clash and noses annoyingly brush onto each other. He wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Is it okay?” Ten asks, a shadow of worry in his voice, but it’s masked with an aroused sight so Johnny barely registered it.

“More than okay.”

Johnny slowly guides him into his lap, Ten’s full thighs caging his hips. It’s a blissful feeling to just sit like that but Johnny cannot stop himself and instantly dives for another kiss. Ten puts both his hands on Johnny’s jaw, holding so close, as if his life depended on it. He’s eager, letting soft whimpers leave his throat and hips press into him a little bit.

It scares Johnny that when the kiss, or whatever they’re doing, is over Ten would back away. Say that it was just a stupid move made in the spun of a moment. That they should forget about it. But in reality, when they finally do part, cheeks dusted pink and lips glistening with saliva, Ten slips his hands from Johnny’s jaw and settles them right on his chest. Hands over his raging heart.

They look each other in the eyes and their position feels strange to Johnny – it’s an unknow territory, one he’s not accustomed with, but he’s willing to discover it. Because holding Ten like this, seeing his bright smile, kissing him, seems to be the medicine he just needed.

Ten’s hooded eyes, encourage him to do the next move.

He lets his left hand leave Ten’s cheek, sliding it across his neck, shoulder, chest, abdomen and finally settles it on the front of his pants. He doesn’t press, his gesture having a form of a question more than giving pleasure.

Ten bends down to him and kisses him fully on the lips. It’s a _yes_.

Even though, Ten is quite muscular, due to his profession as a dancer, to Johnny he weights little to nothing. The older one takes him in his arms, Ten’s ankles locked behind his back, and makes his way towards the bedroom. The bed, unmade, with black sheets curled into different direction, is the place, where Johnny gently lays Ten down. They stop kissing, giving each other time to get to know their bodies. Fingertips slightly brushing the scorching skin.

“Johnny?” Ten suddenly says, breathless with eyes unfocused. “There is something– something I have to tell you.”

Johnny looks at him worriedly. He’s scared that he finally overpassed the boundaries, that he crossed the line, he should have never got close to. His last relationship has taught him that maybe, _maybe_ love isn’t for everyone.

“It’s my first time. I just wanted to let you know.”

This statement doesn’t stop his worry, though.

“Are we rushing too much? Do you want to– um, take it slow? We don’t have– “

“So noisy,” Ten mutters and pushes himself on the elbows, so that he can give Johnny a quick kiss on the lips. “Just make me feel good, American boy.”

And Johnny feels like he’s on a mission.

He goes slow, taking his time and sweet pleasure from deliberately making Ten loose his mind. He discards their clothes piece by piece – shirts, jeans, underwear, and he’s taking his time with the socks. The realization that he’s in the middle of undressing Ten, the cute guy he met on the airplane, is shocking, but it doesn’t compare to the feeling that rises in his chest. It’s as if he were taking the layers of pain, discomfort and misery that he cocooned himself in off his chest and not taking the clothes off the other boy. Once they’re fully naked, he feels vulnerable, emotionally exposed, even though, he’s not saying a word about his feelings.

He wants to start anew with Ten.

Johnny focuses on the boy laying below him, on his tan skin and shining eyes, labored breath and upturned corners of his lips. He’s had sex multiple times, on many occasion with both women and men, and there was a time when he was virgin and had his first time, but he was never to deflower another person. He’s never slept with a virgin.

So he can say, it’s a first time for him too.

He hears Ten laugh softy, his smile wide as always, but his eyes absent, distant. Johnny warms the lube in his hands and very cautiously gets to pushing his fingers inside the boy. Ten only laughs harder.

“I’ve done it to myself a hundred of times, you know. There is no need to be overly gentle,” he says, lashes fluttering over his cheeks. “I’m a big boy now, I can take it.”

There is just something about Ten that makes Johnny completely lose his mind. He dives for his neck with his eager mouth, fingers entering Ten’s heat and lavishes in the way the body under him shudders. He’s _drunk, drunk, drunk_ and just wants _more, more, more_ of Ten.

“You’re so perfect.” It slips his mouth unintentionally, for the second time this evening, but right now he doesn’t care, because he’s got Ten in his arms and there is no better feeling than that.

He is almost sure, he’s heard Ten whisper a soft _“I’m not”_ , however, he cannot focus on it, as Ten is rushing him to get his fingers out and finally start with the real deal.

With the condom on, he slowly enters Ten, basking in the way the smaller man shudders and tightens his hold on Johnny’s hair. They’re so close, so intimate, and maybe, _maybe_ it should feel strange, uncomfortable, but Johnny hasn’t slept with anyone for over a year and feels that there is no other person, he could do it with than Ten.

The Thai boy is finally fixing his mind.

When Johnny bottoms out, he gives Ten a minute to adjust, to relax, even when the boy clearly wants to keep going. He tends to get quite impatient in bed, Johnny notes. He doesn’t move, though, just like Ten wants him to. Johnny pushes one arm under his shoulders, the other under the small of his back and then he pulls him up, so that they’re sitting – Ten’s legs around his hips and Johnny’s length snuggled inside him.

Somehow, this position brings more comfort and warmth to their bodies – just what they truly need. Ten wraps his arms around Johnny’s shoulders and scratches his back with his nails, as Johnny starts moving. It’s not a fast pace, but he’s deep inside Ten and it just feels so _good, good, good_.

Johnny thinks that maybe, _maybe_ he knows, why being with Ten doesn’t scare him as much as a mere idea of being with someone else does. It’s because Ten is just Ten – his body is petit but he’s got muscles many would be envious of; it’s obvious he pays attention to what he looks like but his attire has this sense of simplicity, he can sway his hips sexily and wink cutely but then he also delivers food late at night just to make the ends meet. Being with Ten isn’t about being with a girl or boy, it’s about being with a human and maybe that’s why Johnny discovered such a liking to him.

It doesn’t take long for them to get lost in the pleasure. Ten whimpers, while pressing his face into the crook of Johnny’s neck, and the other boy grunts low in his throat. His hold on Ten’s hips is hard, probably bruising, but from the blissful noises the younger one makes, Johnny can decipher that Ten feels as much pleasure as he does.

The peak comes slowly, totally expected and welcomed. Johnny pushes one of his hands between them to take Ten into his hand and help him find his release. And just when the tightness in their stomachs gets almost unbearable, just when Johnny thinks his going to climax, Ten takes his face in his hands and kisses him.

And Johnny knows he’s lost.

Sweaty foreheads pressed together, labored breathes meddling into each other and eyes locked, Johnny and Ten feel like they could concur the whole world.

Johnny carefully lays Ten down, slipping out of him, careful so that the boy is comfortable and safe. There is a smile, still plastered onto the younger’s face, wide, shining and emanating with content. Johnny gently brushes Ten’s sand – blond hair from his forehead, trailing the curves of his face with his fingertips, before reluctantly leaving the bed to throw the condom in the bin and bring a warm washcloth.

“Will you finally lay down with me?” Ten says, after Johnny cleaned them a little bit, his voice hoarse and tired.

“So demanding.”

He joins Ten under the covers, instantly wrapping his arms around the smaller man’s figure. Ten sights with content and scoots even closer to Johnny’s warmth, so that when he speaks his lips brush against Johnny’s ones.

“If I knew you were this cozy, I would have pounced on you the moment, we met in the airplane.”

“Better late than never, right?” Johnny’s words get sluggish, the vowels getting chewy in his mouth and he knows he’s going to fall asleep any moment. He hasn’t felt that peaceful is such a longtime, it physically exhausts him.

Ten only nods to that.

“I’ll let you be the big spoon tonight,” Ten says nonchalantly, as if choosing any other option would be possible. “But just for tonight, don’t get too confident. You just really worn me out.” And he yawns for good measure.

Ten turns on his other side, showing his back to Johnny, to which the older instantly clings. Even though, the light is already switched off, Johnny can clearly see black letters inked into Ten’s skin. There is a subtle tattoo right above his shoulder blade, near his neck. Johnny got a glimpse of it earlier but his mind was too focused on other _things_. He presses his lips to the words and lets the sleep take over him.

_Turn my mess into messages._

 

 

 

 When the morning comes, there are no bright sunrays waking Johnny up, gently bringing him back to reality or birds softly chirping. Because the curtains and windows are firmly shut, and no light, no sound, can slip in. As he starts shuffling and moving in the sheets, he feel a strain in his muscles. He’s not worried, though. It’s an indication that what happened last night wasn’t some kind of a magnificent dream. A smile makes its way towards his face and his heart beats harder.

Johnny opens his eyes.

And instantly frowns, because Ten is not beside him. Johnny touches the part of mattress, where the Thai boy was sleeping, and, although, it’s not warm, Johnny _hopes, hopes, hopes_ , it’s just his senses fooling him after the long night.

Maybe Ten went to the bathroom, even though, there is no sound of running water coming from it. Maybe he had somewhere ha had to be at this morning. A bizarre feeling rises under Johnny’s skin and it starts freaking him out.

Right then, one second before Johnny loses it, he hears rumbling from the kitchen.

He doesn’t know where this anxiety’s origin lays, where it comes from, maybe, _maybe_ , from the fact that he was scared to let anyone close to his wounded heart from the very beginning. And now that he did, he doesn’t want to end up hurting again.

He gets up from bed, looking for a fresh pair of boxers, stepping over the mess of clothes, they made yesterday. Johnny doesn’t notice that Ten’s clothes as also as his own t-shirt are missing. He enters the kitchen, expecting to see the Thai boy there, but instead, he sees a tall man with broad shoulders and violet hair.

“Yuta, you’re back.”

The Japanese man turns around, his characteristic smile on his lips and he looks about to say something, but then his eyes turn unnaturally wide and he almost runs to Johnny’ side.

“Oh boy, you have a _huge_ hickey! Does– Does that mean you got laid?”

Johnny doesn’t really know, how to respond to Yuta’s enthusiasm, when Ten clearly is not in his apartment anymore. He looks around, only absentmindedly nodding to Yuta, and looks for any note or message, Ten could have left him.

“It’s on the fridge, Johnny,” Yuta interrupts his train of thought. These are the moments Johnny is reminded of why the other is his best friend. “I didn’t read it, though.”

Johnny instantly knows, which of the notes on the fridge is Ten’s. There is a neat “ _10_ ” written in the middle of it. He picks it up, takes a deep breath and turns it to see the actual content.

World seems to slow down, almost stop and then it starts spinning – with questions, he probably would never find answers to. The wounds in his chest open up, bleeding and suffocating him, until he leans on the wall to calm down. He reminds himself to breath, to steady his heartbeat, even though, all he wants to do is cry.

“What’s wrong?” Yuta asks worriedly, though his voice seems distant.

Johnny looks at the note, not really understanding its message, but at the same time, clearly knowing what Ten meant.

_I’m sorry, American boy._

Maybe, just _maybe_ Johnny has never truly known Ten, never noticed that he encountered just one side of the boy. Maybe, just _maybe_ Johnny isn’t made to love, to be loved, and that’s why his ex-girlfriend decided to get rid of their child. He isn’t sure about the exact reason but there is one thing he knows for sure.

“He’s gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm really curious, what you think about this story - its message and structure. I hope Ten's notebook is more helpful to let you understand his actions (or maybe not!).   
> From today, I will start working on Part 2 but it surely will take me some time. I'm sorry for the time, you will have to wait, but I promise this story will be finished.   
> If you want to follow my work and wait for occassional spoilers, follow me on instagram (@real__bananapud). I tend to shamelessly post raw quotes from my works on my story.   
> The songs I used in this chapter are 30 Seconds To Mars - A Dangerous Night and Astronomyy - Hypnotized.   
> Once again, thank you for reading and please, leave a comment, if you like this story. It takes just few seconds and is very important to me for my future development.   
> Bye~


	3. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time. I'm sorry that you had to wait. I hope you will enjoy~

i live for the first second in the morning  
when i am still half-conscious   
i hear the hummingbirds outside  
flirting with the flowers  
i hear the flowers giggling   
and the bees growing jealous  
when i turn over to wake you  
it starts all over again  
the panting  
the wailing  
the shock  
of realizing  
that you've left

_\- the first mornings without you, rupi kaur  
_

 

 

 

 

_Four months later_

The air is humid, foggy, it smells of heavy cigarette smoke that floats around. It’s quite a challenge to see through it, the thick layer of it covering the whole room. Eyes itch, lungs burn, hearts clench.

Johnny sits by the bar with arms propped on the wooden surface before him and a cold glass of soju in hand. He looks into the transparent liquor, thinking about how stupid it is to drown your problems in alcohol and believe that things will finally change. And then he downs it in one go.

The ashtray next to him is already filled with nine remains of cigarettes (five of his, four Taeyong’s). It wasn’t an easy task to find a place, where smoking wouldn’t be prohibited but Johnny insisted on searching for one, because it’s snowing outside and he didn’t want to freeze his fingers to death. And desperately needed a smoke.

However, Johnny isn’t actually drinking to forget, isn’t smoking to let his mind drift away, to calm down. He does it all to remember.

“Do you believe we’ll be able to graduate?” Taeyong brings a glass of pink liquor to his lips. “Taking into consideration the fact that we’re both a fucking mess.”

 _A fucking mess_ isn’t really an adequate to describe Johnny’s state of mind. The thing is, Ten’s disappearance didn’t destroy him like most thought. He did not shut himself in his room, lock from the outside world, cry a river. He was so disturbed by the whole situation, he wasn’t even able to shed a single tear.

“We will, Taeyong,” Johnny answers with no doubt shadowing his voice. “That’s the most important thing we do right now.”

“We don’t even like what we study. It’s all about the expectations, we try to fit in.”

It is true but Johnny hates dreaming about doing, what he really likes, stopped holding onto it a long time ago, so he just doesn’t let the idea grow in his mind.

“I know I wasn’t supposed to,” Taeyong trails off to another topic, when Johnny doesn’t respond. The pink-haired boy clenches and unclenches his fist, which instantly makes Johnny think he’s not going to like, what his friend will say. “I met with Jaehyun few day ago.”

If Yuta was here, he probably would point out, how stupid and unreasonable Taeyong is. But it’s Johnny, so he just pours himself another drink.

“Now I know, why you were so down lately.”

“This time we talked, though.”

Johnny arches his brow at Taeyong in a silent question. He has to admit that he’s a bit jealous of Taeyong and Jaehyun’s relationship. Even though, they are hurting, still cannot let go, still love, they can see each other. What kills Johnny the most is the realization that he doesn’t know, where Ten is.

He tried searching for him. Called him a million times and left thousands of messages on his phone. Not read. He contacted a full list of dance studios asking about an instructor called Ten but nobody knew him. At least, that’s what they told him. But It wasn’t his real name, so Johnny couldn’t be sure, whether they understood, who he was talking about. And to top it all, he kept on banging his head into the wall, desperately trying to recall the address, he saw on the piece of paper that fell from Ten’s book in the airplane. To no avail.

“And?” Johnny nudges Taeyong with his knee.

“Turns out he isn’t a complete jerk, which is quite a turn off,” He tries sounding casual, making jokes like this, but Johnny is not blind and sees the hurt in his friends eyes. “He’s scared of coming out, because he’s parents are homophobic shits.”

Taeyong tried cutting out anything that grew between Jaehyun and him for months. They fought, tried showing each other the worst of their personalities, Taeyong even changed his phone number and chose a new code to his apartment. But then they always made up, holding each other with care and love and Jaehyun’s number stayed engraved in Taeyong’s mind.

“You of all people, know the best that living with parents, who aren’t supportive of your orientation is a pain in the ass,” Taeyong went through a little hell with his parents and his choice of studies was a compensation for the disgrace, he brought them. “But it proves Jaehyun’s feelings are real and you both weren’t playing some sick game.”

Taeyong chugs down his drink and sniffles right after. When Johnny turns to him, he sees his eyes shining with fresh tears and lips pressed into a thin line. Johnny reaches for the cigarettes, lights one for his friend pushing it slowly between his lips and then one for himself.

“He’s two years younger than me, Johnny,” He starts, his voice almost breaking. “For the past months I didn’t realize it but he’s still so young and I am too. How am I going to make it work, when we’re both this scared?”

The cigarette smoke floats in their lungs but doesn’t bring any sort of relief. They’re both hurting so much, this feeling should have killed them a long time ago.

“Fight,” Johnny finally says. “Fight with everything you have, because you never know, when you’ll lose the last opportunity.”

He looks into the glass again, now empty and moves to fill it up. There are slim, cold fingers on the nape of his neck and Johnny knows, they’re Taeyong’s, because of the rings he wears, but for the last four months Johnny has found himself mistaking them for Ten’s fingers.

“I will beat his ass, once I meet him.” Taeyong says, still caressing Johnny’s skin. “When we’ll finally know, where he is, of course.”

“He’s probably back in Thailand.”

“That’s not true and you know it,” The pink – haired boy finishes his cigarette and turns his full attention to Johnny. “I promise I once saw a boy around my height before the door of your apartment. He had a defined nose and a lot of piercing in his ears, just like you described him.”

“But you said he had black hair and Ten wouldn’t dye his hair black. It’s too ordinary for him.”

Taeyong has told him the story a few times already, trying to keep Johnny’s hopes high, to prove him that Ten must had a good reason to disappear so suddenly. But Johnny doesn’t like listening to it, because he knows, what caused it – him as always. Sooyoung didn’t leave out of blue, didn’t say the harsh words out of nowhere, she had a reason – Johnny.

He just doesn’t really know, what it is that makes people dear to him leave.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_I had to leave the country. There was no use in staying, when anxiety once again came into my life – with no intentions to leave. I needed a change of environment, of what and who surrounded me, so that I could breath again._

_I was well aware that escaping from my problems was simply impossible – because they lived inside me. However, I believed that maybe facing a situation that was bound to make the anxiety go full speed, would set me free. It was my last chance, the only plan I could think of, before I went completely insane._

_Choosing Korea as my destined location wasn’t difficult or surprising. It’s a highly developed country with lots of dance studios, so I wouldn’t have problems with finding job there. And most importantly, so many people lived in Seoul, I could easily get lost, become invisible, and never bump into the same person twice._

_All I needed was to disappear._

_The anxiety, as expected, started kicking in, once I parted ways with my worried parents and crying sister. My stomach twisted, heartbeat got faster and breath shallow. But I wasn’t going to let it take over me so easily, so early._

_I boarded the plane and with a heavy breath prepared myself to face, what was to come, accepting the awful sensation inside me. The anxiety’s cold hand were wrapped around my neck, it’s filthy lips over my ear, chanting with no pause: you will lose, lose, lose, lose, lose. But there was no fight to be fought, therefore no possibility for me to lose. And win. I could only let it sit beside me, comfortably looking out the window or through the brochures._

_When I transferred into another plane in Hong Kong, I felt its power weakening and my own self getting more confident, courageous… and happy._

_But then the all-tall-and-broad man beside me knocked into me with his ~~stupid~~ long legs and the plan I made, while leaving, started crashing into pieces. Because I decided on not getting attached, not growing roots, not feeling – at all. He was nice, cute, handsome, charming, and I realized that I could spend hours talking with him and never never never never never never get bored. _

_I didn’t want this._

_Feelings._

_~~American boy was a type of man I could fall for and I dearly hoped to n e v e r see him again.~~ _ ~~~~

**anime**  
_guyz u r late  
_ 05:21 pm

 **ty**  
_hyung is packing food  
_ 05:23 pm

 **ty**  
_we’ll be there in a moment  
_ 05:23 pm

 **anime**  
_did u make it? if yes then im the luckiest man on earth!  
_ 05:24 pm

 **ty**  
_I did  
_ 05:27 pm

 **anime**  
_YAS  
_ 05:27 pm

 **get-it-hyung**  
_don’t get too excited  
_ 05:31 pm

 **get-it-hyung**  
_I helped  
_ 05:32 pm

 **anime**  
_oh  
_ 05:32 pm

 **anime**  
_then buy some beer on ur way  
_ 05:33 pm

 **get-it-hyung**  
_don’t tell me you’re out of your endless supplies of alcohol, nakamoto yuta!  
_ 05:34 pm

 **anime**  
_im working on a therapy for our little johnny boi  
_ 05:36 pm

 **anime**  
_it takes a lot of patience, self-control and beer  
_ 05:36 pm

 **ty**  
_will he be there btw?  
_ 05:38 pm

 **anime**  
_you go ask him  
_ 05:39 pm

 **anime**  
_hes composing, wouldnt open the damn door and keeps on reading our messages but doesnt reply  
_ 05:39 pm

 **anime**  
_as u can clearly see  
_ 05:39 pm

 **ty**  
_johnny are you there?  
_ 05:40 pm

 **anime**  
_u see! he read but didnt write anything!  
_ 05:41 pm

 **get-it-hyung**  
_shut up, yuta  
_ 05:41 pm

 **anime**  
_language grandpa  
_ 05:41 pm

 **ty**  
_we’re bringing food, johnny. it’s okay, if you’re feeling especially down today, but if you wanna join us, it’ll be great <3  
_05:45 pm

 **anime**  
_I banged on his door  
_ 05:49 pm

 **get-it-hyung**  
_wow look who wins the award for being the best friend of the year  
_ 05:50 pm

 **anime**  
_i didnt know wat to do! hes so quiet!  
_ 05:50 pm

 **ty**  
_youngho, we’re almost there. hope you will taste the new recipe I tried  
_ 05:52 pm

 **ty**  
just don’t hide from us  
05:53 pm

_Seen by everyone._

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_“Ten” has been my nickname since I can remember. I’m not sure, who came up with it, who called me like that for the first time, but it was short, quite funny and I instantly got attached to it. “Ten” has always been a playful type of guy – cheerful with girls, flirtatious with boys. Sparkles shined in his eyes, pink dusted his cheeks and his smile could concur the sun. I held “Ten’s” hand and each time I tripped, I could find myself screaming “don’t let go!”. Because “Ten” was, who I wanted to stay forever._

_“Chittaphon” is fine, there really is nothing wrong with the name. Even though, it’s long and difficult to pronounce, it is my name. But somewhere along spending another sleepless night and feeling my stomach turn and twist, I started blaming him for everything that happened. “Chittaphon” is the name Tern called me, when she found out about my medicines; the name my mom shouted, when the anxiety kicked in too strong and I could even barely hear her; the name of the reflection in the mirror I tried to crash._

_Sometimes I wish “Chittaphon” never existed._

_But then I realize that there is no “Ten” without him. I need both of them to create me. It’s nowhere near easy to accept the reality, where I’m a mixture of a bubbly “Ten” and freaked out “Chittaphon”. However, I try my best and day by day get a little bit better._

_I just don’t know, how to tell others that I’m far from being homogeneous; that my personality is a wild mixture of contradictions; that it is just how I am. I’m afraid nobody would understand or accept me._

_Today, I walk Seoul’s streets, trying to let go of worries, leaving my feelings at home and holding “Ten” and “Chittaphon’s” hands with equal strength._

 

 

 

Tonight, Yuta truly isn’t at fault. Neither is Taeyong or Taeil. Because tonight, it is all Johnny’s doing, his own idea, his own mistake. There is no one else to blame and Johnny Seo is one hundred percent aware of the fact. 

He’s not at _Hot Potato_ , even though, he’d love to be. The club’s space is strange to him, it’s structure much wider and deeper than the locals’ he used to visit. The lights flash too bright, with too much fluorescent light, the music is too loud, too popular. And the song playing too familiar. 

“We burned and we bled  
We try to forget  
But the memories left are still hunting”

Probably it was the need to feel alcohol run in his veins or to get lost, let go of all the worries and disappear for one night. Because Johnny has been thinking, smoking and bleeding too much. In order to keep himself busy from everything that has been bothering him, he decided that maybe, just maybe forgetting for few hours wouldn’t hurt him. 

“The walls that we built   
From bottles and pills  
We swallow until we’re not talking” 

He’s dancing, squeezed into a tiny free space on the dance floor, with a girl, who hooks her arms around his neck. It’s nowhere near comfortable, relaxing, or soothing, but his mind is already hazy, intoxicated with alcohol and so Johnny lets it be. 

“I... I am a man on fire”

A drop of sweat runs down his forehead, between his furrowed brows and down the slope of his itching nose. He’s there to forget but somehow he keeps on recalling, recalling, recalling all the memories, he tried so hard to bury deep inside of him. Nicotine doesn’t help, alcohol isn’t soothing the pain and for one moment, when the girl is almost pressing her lips onto his, he’s not breathing. 

“You... a violent desire” 

When he pushes through the crowd to get to the bar, his throat clenches and Johnny thinks, he might cry. He thought he was past this stage, over the heartbreak that shouldn’t have hurt so much, because there was no love to break in the beginning. But it does and if Johnny doesn’t reach the bar and drink a shot soon, he doesn’t believe he would be able to get through this night. He looks around, trying to find his way, when his eyes fall upon a familiar figure. 

“What a dangerous night to fall in love” 

If his mind is not playing tricks on him, then Taeyong was right. His hair is black, even though, the mere thought about it sounds odd to Johnny. It’s hard to see anything, decipher, who you really see in the crowd, but Johnny saw these slim arms, had them wrapped around his back, knows this nose, kissed its every bit and most importantly knows these eyes that cannot see him right now. 

“Don’t know why we still hide,  
what we’ve become”

The bar is left forgotten as Johnny pushes through the crowd to get closer, closer, closer and the slimmer the distance between them gets, the more details he sees. Ears shining with countless piercing, nails painted black, smudged eyeliner around those enchanting eyes. He must be mad, gone insane, because it’s simply not possible for them to meet after all these months in just a random club.

“Do you wanna cross the line?”

There are thousand things Johnny wants to do to Ten. Most importantly punch him in the face – for all the sleepless nights he’s spend in his bed, trying not to think about the ghost of his touch. But he also wants to hold him by his shoulders and shake some sense into him or shout at him, until he tells him, why did he leave that night, or forcefully take him home and make sure, he’ll never do such thing again.

“We’re running out of time”

But all in all, Johnny does none of it. When he’s close enough, he reaches for Ten, as if he’s been starving without him and in a way he was. He places his hands over his jaw, not caring that the other was in the middle of dancing, enjoying himself, doing anything that includes Johnny, letting their eyes meet for a second and kisses him. Kisses him for the past four months; for the time they’ve lost – kisses him like there is no tomorrow, because only now does Johnny know that maybe, just maybe there isn’t one for him.

“A dangerous night to fall in love”

Ten doesn’t kiss him back, though. He stays in the same spot, all tensed up, only with hands tightly holding the ends of Johnny’s t-shirt. So the older pushes back, looks him in the eyes under the fluorescent light and sees everything that he missed, that he longed for, it physically starts to hurt him. Even though, Ten looks scared, still not fully understanding, what is going on, Johnny leans down towards him and kisses him once again.

And this time, Ten kisses back with as much force.

The younger tastes of gin mixed with tonic and cigarette smoke and, even though, it’s bitter, it also is so much Ten, Ten, Ten. There is something in the way they kiss, so familiar but at the same time new, and Johnny has been recalling the moment they spend together under the sheets every day, thinking that he lost Ten forever. Just to have him back.

There must have been an end to it, though, and when Ten pushes him back, looking completely lost and scared, Johnny just wants to hug him, hold him against his chest and never let go. But they both know it’s not possible.

Ten turns around just as quickly and suddenly as Johnny found him in the club and starts making his way towards the door, searching for the exit. But Johnny isn’t going to let him go, not like this, not without any kind of answers. So he follows Ten, with his hand tightly holding onto the Thai boy’s wrist.

They grab their coats on the way out, quickly, messily putting them on and finally escaping the suffocating stuffiness of the club, walking on the unexpectedly deserted Seoul’s streets. Blame the cold and remnants of snow. Johnny isn’t really sure, what time is it – around midnight or way past it and closer to the sunrise. He doesn’t know, because the sky is dark and Ten isn’t smiling to make the night seem a little bit brighter.

He walks ahead of Johnny, a good meter distancing them from each other, but if Johnny wanted to, he would have easily caught up to him with his long legs. He kind of feels safer staying behind, though. Like he gives Ten the space the other needs; like he’s not crossing the line; like he’s not making him uncomfortable.

“Ten!” His voice sounds more powerful then he expected it to be. Maybe he truly is desperate, maybe he just really missed the other boy. “Talk to me.”

“Johnny, please, leave me alone.”

It hurts to hear these words as the first thing the Thai boy says to him, after the four months they haven’t seen each other. But what truly kills him is the faint sound of Ten’s voice shaking and slowly shuttering with each an every word.

“If I make you feel uncomfortable, I’ll leave, but first just answer my question,” They slow down for a moment, almost stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and Ten turns to look at him. “Why did you leave?”

And then just starts walking ahead once again.

“Tell me! I, at least, deserve an answer, after everything you made me go through!”

“I had to,” Ten is trying to speed up, to run away from Johnny, and the other slowly sees how the distance between them enlarges. He doesn’t like it. “I’m sorry, Johnny.”

“Just answer my question!”

“You wouldn’t understand.” Unexpectedly, Ten’s voice doesn’t get higher and louder; it shrinks, tumbling down into a dark hole, from which Johnny can barely hear him. The older doesn’t want to make Ten suffer, it’s just that after all these months, he doesn’t know any other way to show his concern and genuine feelings.

Suddenly, Ten turns around to face him again, his eyes fierce, cheeks dusted with pink due to the cold and nose turning red. He walks like that, backwards, searching for Johnny’s eyes, and the older knows, why he does it – because that way maybe, just maybe Johnny will see the truth in his dark orbs, without proper explanation and long stories.

But then Johnny sees what’s behind Ten, or what isn’t actually, and immediately regrets not being closer to the Thai boy, not sticking to his side like he should have for the last four months.

“Ten!”

“I’m sorry! But in the middle of the night, I realized that I just couldn’t stay. ”

“Watch out!”

“It isn’t your fault, I promise, I just– ”

Johnny is too far to catch him, even though, he speeds up and reaches for him, Ten still falls of the sidewalk, loosing balance, and landing on the cold ground. He sits in the middle of an empty street, melted snow and dirt wetting his jeans. His eyes are wide open, last remnants of alcohol long overcame by the adrenaline and he slowly examines his hands, the dirty and scratched palms.

The world around suddenly gets quiet.

When Johnny finally reaches his side, Ten doesn’t even protest, as the older takes his hands in his own ones. He gently touches the tiny cuts, swiping a little drop of blood from it and he expects Ten to give any reaction, any sign that he’s in pain. But his face stays void, as if nothing happened.

“I’m really– ”

“Shut up.” Johnny shushes him, crouching beside him and searching for any indication on Ten’s body that he severely injured himself.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry my ass. If you listened, nothing would happen. What if you twisted your leg?” Johnny knows, he’s exaggerating; that Ten is going to have a few bruises here and there but nothing major could happen to him from such a small fall. He does it all, though, to make the younger focus.

“I’m fine.” He answers, however, he casts his eyes away and turns away from Johnny.

“I should take you to the hospital, you know,” Johnny places his hands on Ten’s left ankle, pressing in different places to see if the juncture is fine. The Thai boy quickly starts shaking his head, his eyes once again on Johnny, pleading him to _finally stop with this nonsense._ “What if you can’t dance?”

“You’re so stupid. I’m okay.” And to make his point, he quickly stands up, though, loosing balance and in result stumbling slightly. “Perfectly fine.”

Johnny looks at Ten from his crouching position, only now truly knowing, what he’s missed, what he longed for, what he needed. He buries the further need to annoy Ten and get what he deserves deep inside, instead looping his fingers around the other’s hand and cherishing the moment, they share.

“It’s getting pretty late.” Ten says, still not moving from the spot and Johnny isn’t sure, whether it’s because he doesn’t want to leave Johnny’s side or his leg really hurts.

“Can I walk you home?”

It’s apparent, Ten isn’t the biggest fan of the idea. Because agreeing means telling Johnny, where he lives and thanks to the older’s lack in this exact knowledge, Ten had the opportunity to hide from him. But just as when they met, fate keeps on pushing them into each other’s outstretched arms.

“But you’ll have to carry me on your back.”

It’s just a moment, just a little spark, but right there in the middle of the street, somewhere deep during the night, Johnny sees a shadow of Ten’s smile, his frivolous side showing up again and Johnny is sure, knows it, feels it in his bones that if he had a chance, he’d do anything just to have Ten next to him again.

Having Ten’s weight on his back, his arms wrapped around Johnny’s neck and legs around his waist, is somehow soothing. The Thai boy’s breath tickles his left ear and his nose dives into Johnny’s hair, which is much longer on the back. Even though, after fifteen minutes Johnny’s arms start to cramp and hurt, he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. He hasn’t felt this peaceful in a very long time.

“So, how did you do?” Johnny’s words cut through the cold air and it’s apparent the both of them are tired, but there is no power in this world to stop Johnny right now. Because if they met after what happened, even if they aren’t meant to be together, there must be some kind of fate for the both of them.

“Okay, I guess.”

“You guess?”

Ten tightens his hold on Johnny’s neck and the older can feel his lips moving over his skin, when he speaks.

“I was trying to figure some things out,” He sights and his breath turns into a steam, which forms around Johnny’s face. “But in the end, I did a half assed job.”

“Always so positive,” Johnny’s words reward him with a smack on his shoulder, it’s light and non – painful though, a silent _stop it, idiot_ than any other harsh words. “Where you with someone in the club?”

It’s another case that bugs him, the thought that maybe Ten has already found someone for himself and that’s the reason he left, run away, disappeared.

“The guys from my dance studio.”

“Oh,” Johnny isn’t really sure, how to ask this question, is scared he’s intruding, or maybe, just maybe truly terrified of the answer. So he tries not to beat around the bush and asks straightforwardly. “Do you, like, date any of them?”

Ten stays silent for a moment and it makes Johnny’s blood freeze in his veins, his heart stop and breath almost die in his lungs. If he weren’t holding Ten on his back, he would have already lighten a cigarette. No matter the cold.

“No, I don’t,” His lips almost touch Johnny’s ear and it amazes the older, how he still restrains himself from turning around and kissing the living hell out of Ten. “Was busy thinking about the American boy, who called me crazy.” And Johnny want to ask _then why, why, why did you leave_ but he knows Ten won’t answer, at least not right now. “And you?”

So Johnny decides to play this game.

“I was trying to forget you.”

“Wow, that’s a way to make me feel like shit,” There is a ghost of a laugh in his voice and they must be masochistic psychos to take pleasure from such talk or maybe they just really missed each other. “Keep going.”

Johnny’s laugh echoes on the empty street, from the building’s walls and cold surface of the sidewalk.

“Crazy.”

Somehow, no matter the heartbreak and four bitter months, Johnny feels light, like a part of the pain has been take from his shoulders, because it feels like Ten really had a reason to leave that night. And maybe it wasn’t Johnny’s fault at all.

But then Ten points to the nearest building, they climb the stairs and soon, way too soon, Johnny is putting him down to the ground right before the apartment’s door. They stand there, in the opened doorway, face to face, close but not close enough and even though, nothing is for sure, Johnny knows, he’ll do anything to not let them part again, not like this at least.

“Please, go see a doctor tomorrow, if you’ll feel any kind of pain, okay?” Johnny’s hands itch to take Ten into his arms, to run his fingers through his black locks and hold his face close to his own. But he just stands there, looking at him, with a strange feeling waking up inside him.

“Of course, mom.” Ten leans on the doorframe, his eyes shining with an unknown spark and then he smiles – smiles just the way he did in the plane, when they first met – shy but playful.

“I know, where you live now, but don’t worry, I won’t intrude. You don’t have to move out or something.”

“It’s fine. I guess, it’s the reconciliation you deserve,” Ten casts his eyes downwards. “I’m still sorry, though.”

Johnny shakes his head, taking a step forward and putting his hands on both sides of Ten’s face. Their eyes meet, breaths mingle and Johnny decides that he won’t let things go on their own – this time he’ll fight for the things, he cherishes.

“Just tell me the truth,” he whispers, leaning towards Ten and kissing him, straight on the lips, not to powerful but not to gentle, either. He kisses him like he means it, like he can take it, the things that Ten hides, and support him. “When you’re ready.”

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_This must be some ~~unfunny~~ fucking joke. _

_Fate, God or any other unrealistic, superior power decided, they would entertain themselves with my misery. I knew I had always been prone to their ~~unwelcomed~~ liking but now I’m starting to believe, it’s becoming an obsession. _

_I left Thailand in order to finally have some time alone, to focus on my own self and work with the demon that lives inside my head. I was supposed to meet new people, gain experience in social relationships but never never never never never grow roots, let myself attach to anyone._

_But then American boy happened and all my resolutions went tumbling down._

_Delivering food late in the evening drove me to his flat and going clubbing lead me to the place, he works at. No matter, how much I don’t want to meet with him (even though, I actually do) we just keep on bumping into each other and it scares me._

_Because I feel good next to him. I tend to get calmer and think less, when we talk. He’s nice, funny, charming but definitely ~~not~~ sexy. I just like the way I am beside him – how I let go of my restricted self, how I get more confident, how I feel like I finally am myself. _

_I wanted to find these values on my own, in my own self, but finding them with the help of someone else means a huge influence of them on my life. Which might result in getting attached to them. I don’t want it, never had such intentions. I’m not going to stay in Korea forever, one day I will leave and we both will be hurting._

_Still I am the one, who asked him to grab a coffee with me, so I cannot blame any other person for my own stupidity._

 

 

 

“I hate it that you were right.”

Johnny takes a heavy drag from his cigarette, not caring about Yuta’s disgusted face and the way he deeply frowns. They sit by a table outside a café, Yuta on his right, Taeyong in front of him and Taeil is still inside the local waiting for their drinks to be made. It’s their first get together in the last four months that Johnny organized. He is the one, who called Taeyong and Taeil in the morning, who burst into Yuta’s bedroom and dragged him out by the leg, who payed for all their drinks.

The winter still hasn’t gone away but the air is getting warmer and the snow finally melts.

“I told you, he wouldn’t just leave you out of nowhere,” Taeyong puts his cigarette butt in the ashtray and then moves to straighten his scarf. It’s not even cold enough for him to wear it but Johnny has already got a glimpse of three juicy hickeys on his neck, so he’s not asking. “Besides, you’ve got a great taste, if I can say.”

“That’s what I told him too!” The ever loud Yuta starts and his eyes sparkle just as they always does, when he’s talking about attractive people.

Johnny can only roll his eyes.

“So, he’s back after what, four months, and all you tell me is he’s got a pretty face?”

“We’re just happy that you’re happy,” Yuta’s smile shines bright, as always, but when he sees the look on Johnny’s face, it falters a little. Johnny just started telling them, what happened last night, and they have probably taken his attitude as a sign of good news. “Because you and Ten are good, right?”

“I never said that.”

Taeyong instantly stops playing with the scarf and props his forearms on the table. He looks at Johnny, dead serious, with eyes wide open and bitten lips.

“But after the call, you texted me, I quote, ‘we were _kissing,_ Tae’,” He reaches towards Johnny and takes his cigarette out of his lips and brings it to his own. “What is going on?”

“We did kiss and we talked but not about, why he left that night. I have no idea, where this is going, but I found him.”

And Johnny knows that the look on Taeyong’s face is something the other saw on his own face a hundred times, when he was speaking about Jaehyun. It’s a mixture of pity and worry, however, most importantly these feelings are real and Johnny wonders, whether he truly has to make his friends go through such stress.

Taeyong opens his mouth to say something but a paper cup is passed to him and just now do they realize that Taeil has already came with their drinks. And looks like he’s been sitting here and listening for some time already. Johnny searches for the oldest’s eyes and finds strange darkness in them – something uncharacteristic for Taeil, the man who always radiates and tells bad jokes.

However, Johnny realizes he’s seen this look before and the circumstances weren’t nice.

“Can I say something?” Taeil asks and Johnny finds himself slowly nodding. “I want you to be happy and find the love you deserve.”

The introduction makes Johnny uncomfortable, because he _knows_ , he’s going to hear the harsh truth.

“Ten seems to have a tough past. There is a burden on his shoulders that you too will have to bare and I’m not saying you won’t be able to, it’s just that you learnt that love isn’t always everything it takes to be together.”

Taeil takes the paper cup before him in his hands and takes a small sip. Johnny knows that the oldest is drinking hot chocolate, because Taeil cannot stand winter without chocolate.

“You have your own baggage now. I’m just worried, this relationship will be too much for you. And I don’t want to experience, what happened after you broke with Sooyoung. Never again.”

 _What happened after you broke with Sooyoung_ is the gentlest of ways to describe, what happened that day. Because Johnny didn’t come back home that night, the three of his friends searched for him and called the phone, he left switched off in his bag. They expected the worst, even though, they didn’t know, what exactly happened. Sooyoung only told them that they broke up. In the end, they found Johnny one day later in a cheap and dirty hotel, after they broke into his email box and found the reservation. He spent almost two days drunk, hungry and to top it all, sitting in a bathtub filled with ice cold water.

“I won’t let it happen and if anything goes wrong, I’ll let him go.”

Right in this moment, with the memories of what once happened, Johnny tries to believe in what he has just said. Because Taeil told him the truth he had to hear, the words that make his heart ache but are essential for him to not let himself drown in too many emotions once again. It’s a healthy attitude, Johnny tells himself, which will keep his wounded heart safe.

And then a new message pops up on his phone’s screen.

 **10**  
_I went to the doctor just like you told me to. Good news, neither of my legs is twisted. Bad news, the left one hurts a little and there is a small inflammation, so the doctor told me to take a sick leave for two weeks from both my jobs. I’m probably going to starve to death but ok, doc, we’ll see if I can survive. Anywaaaay, I just wanted to say thank you for taking me home last night. I know that I’m in no place to say it but it was really good to see you again.  
_ 11:21 am

A smile makes its way onto his lips and he can’t help it, cannot fight it, doesn’t even want to. Because simply and without any doubt Ten makes him happy. Just like that. And Johnny has his own experience, remembers all too well how his heart bled, but also knows that if there is anyone that can help him, it’s Ten.

“I’ll just try this one last time.”

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_Since the day I moved to Seoul, I was feeling… pretty good, if I can say. The anxiety didn’t go away, didn’t leave, but I felt its presence mostly in the evenings, when my stomach clenched and heartbeat go a little faster. However, it wasn’t that severe, I could live with it, still cope with my everyday duties. Somehow, I succeeded in keeping it at bay._

_Until yesterday._

_The manager of the studio, I work at, came up with an idea to post videos of the instructors’ dances on our website to encourage more people to take up our courses. So last week, we stayed after the lessons and recorded short solo performances to show that each and every instructor has their own style. At the end, we also said a few words about what is most important for us in the way we teach others._

_I said that technique isn’t everything. That for me, it is essential to have passion, courage and work hard, because this is what makes the dancers succeed. Your moves don’t have to be perfect, when you move to the rhythm, feel the music and most importantly have fun._

_And yesterday the manager uploaded the videos._

_I try to take criticism seriously, to learn from it and gain experience. But between comments saying that people really like the way I dance, I found few ones that bothered me, stayed in my mind and I cannot stop thinking about them. They said that I justify my lack of talent saying that dancing isn’t only about technique, that I did a half assed job, that I’m being overdramatic about dancing._

_And maybe I am, maybe I don’t see the things I should improve, maybe I put too much emotions into dancing. But as I appreciate constructive criticism and comments, from which I can learn, I detest simple hates probably written by bored teenagers, who wouldn’t even move from their computers._

_My self-esteem is almost non-existent, I can barely say good things about myself, when I look in the mirror I try hard not to scream at my own reflection every single day. But I’m working on it, trying to make a stronger person out of myself. But these people don’t help. It’s easy to leave a mean, anonymous comment and not care about the other person’s feelings. It’s easy to hide behind the screen, in the confides of their rooms, thinking that nothing bad will happen to them._

_But karma always comes back to you. Just remember it._

_~~Even though, all the things I’ve just written, I still want to cry, bury myself in the sheets of my bed and never get up. I don’t want to see the world, as every single day it’s pushing me to my limits. I hate it hate it hate it hate it hateithateitehateitehateit~~ _

_I will become stronger._

 

 

 

Johnny knows it’s a stupid idea. He should stay home, focus on composing a new piece, finishing an essay or simply buy six – pack of beers, order deep fried chicken and play Fifa with Yuta. Or at least, call Taeil or Taeyong and make them keep him company until such ideas leave his mind.

But Johnny is an idiot.

That’s what he tells himself, as he stands before Ten’s apartment’s door. It’s been two days since he’s last seen the Thai boy and over 30 hours since the text Ten has send him. He was trying really hard not to come here, to stay far away from Ten and give him the space the other needs.

But then Johnny realized that because of Ten’s message, he has the best excuse of all times. Although, Ten probably meant it as a joke, he said he could starve, because of his injured leg and not going to work. So he shouldn’t be angry, if Johnny pops up with dinner… right?

There is a paper bag in his hand, in which there are two boxes of Pad Thai. Johnny spend whole morning trying to decide, which food would suit Ten best, but then opted for just high – quality Thai dish, hoping it will make Ten feel better. Oh, and he bought mochi but that’s for dessert.

It’s been about twelve seconds since he knocked and Johnny starts to feel nervous. All of a sudden, he wants to leave the bag before the door and take the stairs the fastest he can. What was he even thinking coming here out of nowhere?

Johnny is about to turn around and run away, before he makes an idiot out of himself, when the door opens. And he truly cannot help the small smile that makes its way onto his face. Ten is standing there, with his hand still on the doorknob and looking taken aback. His eyes are wide open and mouth left a little ajar. He’s wearing black joggers and an oversized pink t – shirt, which should make him look at least a bit unattractive but does anything but this.

Johnny still hopelessly believes that Ten is breathtaking.

“Johnny,” the Thai boy speaks up and Johnny knows he missed that voice. Because the one time they’ve seen each other isn’t enough, when he longed for him for over four months. “What are you doing here?”

He has a whole speech memorized in his head justifying his unexpected arrival, what he’s doing here and why he had to come. But even though, Johnny opens his mouth, no words leave it. He comes to the realization that Ten may not be happy to see him and doesn’t intend on inviting him in either. Johnny’s ideas are truly the stupidest of all.

“Dinner,” he says, extending his arm before himself and showing Ten the bag. His voice is so unsteady and high – pitched, Johnny can already feel his cheeks coloring with pink. He’s making such an idiot of himself. “I didn’t know, if you could go out with your leg or not, I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to seem too pushy. I’m not sure, whether you had something to eat and if you could go to the market and, oh my god, I’m rumbling.” Johnny facepalms himself and tries to get his thoughts together. “I just bought you dinner.”

Ten blinks at him – once, twice – he’s looking one hundred percent lost with confusion in his black eyes and furrowed brows. As if he doesn’t understand even one word Johnny said.

And then he laughs.

The melodic, piercing laugh, which makes Johnny’s heart swell and beat faster. It’s not too loud but echoing throughout the staircase and Johnny can tell that Ten is also nervous as hell.

“I don’t deserve it,” Ten answers and he’s playing the game again. But it’s becoming apparent to Johnny that the Thai boy jokes and plays around to hide his restlessness. “I wasn’t a good boy.”

“We can work on that,” Johnny takes a step closer, making Ten tilt his head more. “I really mean it, though. If you don’t want me here, I can go.”

“No,” Ten immediately takes Johnny’s wrist into his hand and slightly tugs on it. “I just don’t understand, why you’re doing this.” 

Johnny isn’t sure, whether he understands it himself. It’s just that the idea of Ten leaving him once again scares the living shit out of him. Somehow he cannot stand the thought of not seeing the Thai boy, who messed with his mind.

“The food is getting cold.”

And just like that, Ten steps to the side and lets Johnny inside.

His flat is small but Johnny wasn’t expecting anything else. The room is a connected kitchen, living room and bedroom with big mattress placed on the floor in one corner and a cloth hanger instead of a wardrobe. They sit on the floor with their backs leaning on the wall and Johnny starts taking out the food, while Ten gives him the chopsticks.

“Are you trying to lower you electricity bills?” Johnny asks, pointing to the many candles arranged around the whole room. There must be more than twenty of them and they all look thoroughly used.

“I like how the flames warm the space,” Ten says with softness in his voice. Johnny wants to say that he likes candles too and that these make the room look especially pretty, but just then Ten opens the box and lets the thick scent of spices drift into their nostrils. “Oh my god, did you buy Pad Thai?”

“Thought it would lighten up your mood.”

Ten doesn’t respond to it, he just digs into the noodles and packs his mouth with the food, as if he hasn’t eaten in ages. And maybe he hasn’t and the joke from his text wasn’t actually a joke. Johnny peacefully eats his own portion and a smile tugs at his lips, when he sees how satisfied Ten looks.

“Two more bites and I’m going to get emotional,” Ten says between chewing. “It reminds me of home.”

Ten didn’t tell Johnny a lot about Thailand. Just that his parents called once a week and that he frequently texted with his younger sister. Johnny didn’t know, whether Ten had contact with any of his friends or what their relationship was like – he never mentioned anyone his age from his hometown, never told any stories of when he was a teenager.

“Should I get tissues, before you start crying?” Johnny coos a little, as Ten theatrically sniffs.

“No need for that, I’ll just blow my nose into you t – shirt.”

“Gross.”

When they finish eating, Johnny stretches his legs out and leans his head on the wall behind himself, while Ten opens the box with mochis and slowly munches on them.

“I chose all the flavors that did not contain fruits,” Johnny says and massages his filled stomach. “Didn’t want you to freak out or something.”

“Oh, so you remember?”

“Yeah,” he answers quite dreamily and lets his eyelids fall shut. “I remember everything about that day.”

Maybe he shouldn’t say it, maybe bringing up this topic – of that night shouldn’t be making an appearance right now – it isn’t the best idea Johnny could have. But today is a day, when he lets go of the worries, of the what ifs, and just does what he feels will be best.

“Why are you here, Johnny?” Ten pulls his folded legs towards his chest, shrinking, curling into himself, and he puts the box of mochis straight on his knees, eyes not leaving the cakes. As if he was scared of looking at the older man.

“Do you really expect me to answer, when you didn’t tell why you left me that night in the first place?” There is no malice, anger, roughness in Johnny’s voice, just a little bit of sadness, hurt but mostly raw curiosity.

“Point taken.”

Johnny still has his eyes closed, when he feels something extraordinarily soft against his lips. He opens them, just to see Ten holding a little mochi and waiting for him to take a bite. Their eyes meet – black to black – and even though, they cannot give each other answers, hide the truth, their feelings, their eyes don’t lie. They behold the assurance that there is generosity in their hearts.

And so Johnny bites into the rice cake, his taste buds overwhelmed by sweetness and lips grazing over Ten’s finger tips. If the circumstances were different, Johnny would pull Ten by the arm straight onto his lap and kiss him, until his lips would be swollen and lungs drowned of air.

But he just keeps on chewing the cake.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_No matter, what I often say, there are days, when I just wish to belong somewhere, to someone. To have a place, warm arms, which will always await me and keep me safe, when the demon inside me awakens._

_In those moments of weakness, I long for a haven._

_I have no idea, what’s gotten into me today but I just keep on writing and crying and writing and crying and…_

_It hurts, deep inside my chest, behind all those layers of false self – confidence and cheerful smiles. There are moments, when it just fucking hurts. To be away from home, alone in a foreign country, running away from problems that will never leave me, no matter, how hard I try. It just feels like the change will never come, that it’s never going to be better, that I’m going to stay miserable for the rest of my life._

_Tomorrow morning I will wake up well – rested and fresh. With no pain in my ribcage, no tear – strained cheeks or runny nose. Just the puffiness around my eyes. Tomorrow I will be fine. I will smile again and concur the whole world. Fight my way and reach for happiness._

_But just for now, for this short moment, let me cry._

 

 

 

If there is anything that could indicate Johnny’s change of mood, it is the fact that he’s successfully composed a descent song. He’s proud of it, finally being something he was trying to achieve for a long time, and he confidently lets it echo off the walls of Hot Potato. And seeing people have fun to the beat, brings a smile to Johnny’s lips. He only wishes there was one special dancer in the crowd.

But Johnny knows, Ten is not here and surely won’t come, because it has only been a week since the doctor told him to rest and let his leg fully recover. Which doesn’t necessarily mean Johnny doesn’t somehow have Ten beside himself. His phone lays between the turntables and mixer, screen up and waiting to light up with a new text.

 **10**  
_do they like your new song?  
_ 10:57 pm

It’s still a mystery, how he and Ten got back to… something. They’re not dating, nothing like that, they don’t even mention the fact that they’ve slept together four months ago, at least for now, but they have something. Once Johnny left Ten’s flat three days ago, they started texting freely, as if nothing happened, pretending they are totally fine.

Even though, Ten clearly had a reason to try and break anything he’s had with Johnny, the idea of them being apart seems to bring him as much pain as it does to Johnny. And the older knows that if he wants Ten to tell him the truth, he needs to gain his trust. So for now Johnny just acts like a good friend.

 **american boy**  
_they went fuckin wild  
_ 10:58 pm

 **american boy**  
_i’m so happy  
_ 10:58 pm

 **10**  
_wish I could be there  
_ 11:01 pm

Johnny works on the turntables with his right hand, while he replies Ten with his left one. He hopes his sharing working and private life wouldn’t be seen by the manager. He surely wouldn’t like it. Especially, if he knew, his favorite DJ was getting himself deeper into a strange relationship with no guarantee of happy ending.

 **american boy**  
_heal your leg first  
_ 11:04 pm

 **10**  
_do u finish tonight as always? midnight?  
_ 11:06 pm

 **american boy**  
_yeah  
_ 11:07 pm

 **american boy**  
_y?  
_ 11:07 pm

But Ten doesn’t respond anymore. His texts abruptly stop coming but Johnny deems it on the late hour. Ten probably fell asleep, before he’s got Johnny’s message. It happened before, four months ago, when everything seemed much easier. Johnny sometimes, in the middle of boring lectures or during long showers, catches himself reminding the way he felt about Ten back then.

His feelings didn’t change that much but only now is he aware that there is something the Thai boy dearly tries to hide. Some truth that he’s not sure, what will bring. He wishes the knowledge would lure him away from the dangerously desirable man but Johnny already knows that it’s not possible. He wants Ten – with secrets, wounds, piercing and painted nails.

However, there are moments, when he’s genuinely scared, whether he would be able to carry Ten’s emotional baggage alone with his own one. Because it seems like he could do anything for the Thai boy, fight everyone on their way and bring him the most valuable treasures. But then he’s reminded of having his own wounds, how they bled and tormented his mind.

Ten just makes him feel so many emotions all at once.

He focuses on his work, though, as there still are around 40 minutes till the end of his shift. Johnny pushes the thoughts about Ten to the back of his mind, places the headphones over both of his ears and drowns in his music and cheering from the crowd.

His muscles untense, relaxing in the process and soothing his senses. He feels the tiredness after the whole day finally kicking in but he still gives his everything in mixing the music, trying to entertain well the people there. That’s what he does, what gives him real satisfaction and reminds him there are things, he’s really good at doing.

Midnight soon comes and Johnny plays the last of his songs, as he gathers his things and switches places with the next DJ. He puts his coat on, drapes his backpack over his shoulder and leaves the club, before his body starts to overheat itself.

There are people on the streets, mostly groups of friends, smoking cigarettes or drunkenly swaying to the music blasting through the club’s door. Johnny passes them by, heading towards the closest subway station, the idea of his comfortable bed vivid in his mind. But before he walks away from the club for barely fifty meters, someone grabs his arm and abruptly makes him stop.

There is a short person before him, with a beanie on their head and thick coat shielding them from the cold. The temperature might have risen but still in the middle of the night it’s freaking cold. It’s also dark outside, so Johnny cannot fully see the outlines of their face to make out, who it is. But he catches the characteristic slop of their nose.

“Ten?” he asks and he doesn’t have to hear the other’s reply, because the melodic laugh makes its way towards his ears. “What are you doing here?”

The boy’s hand, he caught Johnny with, slides down his arm and soon settles on his warm hand. Ten’s palm is cold, freezing cold, so Johnny interlaces their fingers. He doesn’t know, what he’s doing, neither does Ten, but let’s just settle they needed warmth.

“I don’t know actually,” Ten answers. “I was waking around mindlessly and suddenly found myself in front of the Hot Potato, thinking I could maybe… walk you home.”

Ten’s flat is far away from the club, so he couldn’t accidently just come here. But Johnny doesn’t want to argue.

“My flat is in the opposite direction than yours.”

“I know,” Ten scratches his neck with his free hand. “But I couldn’t sleep and, you know, I’m a big, tough boy, so I’ll be fine.”

His carefree laugh makes Johnny smile widely and immediately agree to the idea. How could he decline the offer to spend time with Ten? They start walking towards the subway station again, this time there are fingers around Johnny’s and he feels his insides warming up.

The station is manly deserted at this hour and so are the trains, however, it gives them the opportunity to sit beside each other and not care about other people noticing their interlaced hands.

“Did anything happen that you couldn’t sleep?” Johnny asks, while looking at Ten’s painted nails. They’re a dark shade of purple today.

“Just the regular,” Ten’s hold on his hand tightens. Johnny wants to ask, what does it mean, but he patiently waits for the younger boy to tell him. They pass two stations, when Ten speaks up again. “I tend to get… nervous in the evenings.”

It’s the first time, Ten finally tells him something leading towards the reason, why did he leave the night they slept together. It isn’t much but it is much better than nothing.

“Is that why you left?” But the other doesn’t respond. “Ten?”

Johnny believes spending time with Ten will improve his patience. Highly. Because if there is anything that he’s learned about the Thai boy other than the fact that he’s scared of fruits and dances amazingly, it’s that he speaks his mind, if he’s given some time.

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

“Is there a reason, why you can’t?” Johnny leans forward, speaking in his low and deep voice and when Ten turns to face him, their noses brush.

“You will leave, if I tell you.”

They reach the station, by which Johnny lives, and leave the train. However, before they make their way towards the stairs, Johnny stops the both of them. It’s late and he doesn’t want Ten to walk for the streets too long at this hour. Subway is fine but he’s a little bothered about some people on the streets.

“You don’t know that.”

“What?”

“You don’t know, whether I’ll leave you or not,” Johnny says and takes a step closer to Ten for emphasis. “I am the one to make the decision but I can’t, when you’re not telling me the truth.”

Ten places his hand on Johnny’s shoulder, not pushing away but not pulling forward either, and tilts his head up to look the taller man in the eyes. There is darkness in the Thai boy’s eyes but Johnny hopes, wishes, believes that there also is warmth, kindness and generosity.

“I just– ” Ten’s hand on Johnny’s shoulder tightens on the material of the coat and Johnny slowly leans down, so that their foreheads are touching. “I just don’t want to be alone again.”

There are no tears, shuddering breaths or shaky hands but Ten surely is at the edge. He’s trying to keep his posture, not shrink and show his real emotions but his words give him out. The fear is evident and Johnny doesn’t know its origin, where it comes from and why it sticks to Ten so tightly. But it’s there.

“You’re not going to,” he says freeing his hand from Ten’s grip and holding the younger’s face between his warm palms. “I’m here, Ten, with you.”

And Ten opens his mouth to say more, probably to point out, how Johnny doesn’t know, what he’s talking about, but the older is quick to shut him up. With a kiss. It’s not just lips over lips but also tongue over tongue and teeth over teeth. Ten tastes like cigarettes and something sweet but not a candy. A syrup he used to take for fever, when he was a child maybe. The younger’s hands find perches in Johnny’s hair, lightly pulling the roots. They kiss like there is no tomorrow, with no breaks to take a breath or to say something.

They just kiss, because it’s the only way they know, how to show each other their true feelings.

“You should head home, it’s late.” Johnny mutters some time later, when their kisses become way too sloppy. “Unless you wanna come over?”

Ten looks at him and pushes Johnny’s fringe from his eyes.

“You’re right, I better get going,” Ten answers, as if he didn’t heard Johnny’s offer. He gets on his tiptoes, though, with a smile on his face, eyes shining once again and Johnny is more than happy that he’s the one, who made Ten feel better. “Thank you, American boy.”

Before Ten runs to the train that has just arrived, he plants a kiss on Johnny’s lips.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_There isn’t really anything like horrible trauma in my life. I guess. The reason to my anxiety disorder is just my fucked up personality. Nothing more, nothing less._

_There are just too many contradictions inside me that I cannot count. But I’ve come to accept them, live with them and at times appreciate them, because that’s what makes me somehow special. I just know that it’s difficult for others to understand._

_But maybe, just maybe there is some kind of a “traumatic” situation for me that makes me so scared about letting people know, how I really feel._

_My ex – boyfriend and I, we were not some overly cute or touchy couple. It was just fun to have someone so close, to argue over which move to watch and make – out in the locker room. He was my first and actually the only boyfriend I’ve ever had but to say the truth I wasn’t really in love with him. I think. Of course, I did care a lot about him but we were so young, I couldn’t pinpoint if it was really love._

_We parted on good terms, with nice memories and first experiences. And from time to time, we found ourselves texting each other. Rarely but we kept in touch. Until our last talk which was when I was in the middle of the last year in high school._

_He messaged me, whether I had any psychologist I could recommend, because he wasn’t feeling well and was actually a bit of scared. Some time before I told him a little about my own problems. And so I did but I also tried talking to him every day to check up on him. I decided that maybe if I told him my story in details, he would get some advice from it._

_And that was my own mistake._

_Because he absolutely did not understand, how I could feel so miserable, while nothing in particular happened to me. It’s just that one day me being stressed turned into me being anxious and the next thing I knew I was scared to leave the house and was sick each time the anxiety kicked in with too much force._

_But he said that I was just being overdramatic. That I was pretending. That I was searching for attention. That kids who are beaten at home have real problems, not me._

_It stung and from then on I have never talked to him. I didn’t believe his words at first, I was just mad that he dared to say it. But his voice just got stuck in my head. And have been now for years._

_Maybe I really don’t have a problem and am just a freak, who seeks attention? Maybe I was just overreacting? Maybe I just made it all up in my head?_

_I know it isn’t true, I know that I’ve been going to therapy and taking medicine for a reason but sometimes I just wonder._

_I’m scared of telling people about my anxiety, because I no longer am sure, whether they’ll accept me or just get rid of me from their life._

 

 

 

“It’s almost ready, Youngho!”

Yuta’s voice comes from the kitchen accompanied by the sound of boiling water and smell of spices. It drifts through the apartment and reaches Johnny’s bedroom, where he’s sprawled on the bed with phone in his hand. And he’s definitely not texting a hot Thai dancer. Not at all.

He would love to just stay there and not leave the comfortable mattress but he’s stomach rumbles, demanding a descent dinner. So Johnny pushes his long, heavy limbs up and heads towards kitchen, which he hopes his flatmate didn’t burn.

“We have a serious problem, Seo,” They’re having instant ramyeon night, so Johnny isn’t sure, what could cause the problem. If there is anything Yuta can do well, it’s ramyeon. “What do we add? Boiled eggs or raw?”

“Boiled.” Johnny answers, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. After such a long time spent being best friends, Yuta should have known Johnny’s preferences in the ramyeon field.

“But Youngho!” Yuta whines and it doesn’t announce anything good. “We always eat ramyeon with boiled eggs and I can’t make us separate portions, because there is only one pot and I just put three packages of noodles there.”

“It never bothered you before.”

Yuta rolls his eyes and massages the non – existent wrinkle between his brows.

“You have to try new things. Be braver.”

“I’m fine with how things are right now.” Johnny isn’t sure, where Yuta is heading with this conversation, but it’s quite disturbing. He feels totally at loss.

“Fine, my ass,” The Japanese takes an egg into his hand and holds it above the pot. They maintain eye contact and Johnny glares at him. “Then why are you constantly on the phone with the Thai beauty?” And he cracks the egg into the soup. And another one too.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Johnny runs towards his best friends and looks into the soup, hoping he could take at least some part of the egg out. But it’s already congealed by the time he’s there. “You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re in love.”

Yuta’s words come so unexpectedly that Johnny doesn’t even fight, when the Japanese take the pot to the table, where two small bowls and chopsticks were already placed. He slowly takes the seat in front of Yuta and blinks a few times.

“I’m not in love.” He answers finally, taking the chopsticks into his hand and placing a bit of noodles into his bowl. They better cool for now.

“Call it what you want, I just say, what I see.”

Yuta fills his mouth with noodles and loudly moans around the food in his mouth. As if he was eating something very exquisite and not instant ramyeon. Johnny feels so strange, with what Yuta just said that he forgets about the food at all.

Is he really in love with Ten? It’s been a while since they met but there also were four months, when they haven’t seen each other at all. He likes Ten, very much, he wanted to kiss him, hold him and protect from any danger. And some nights he still reminds himself, how they spent that one night together, how Ten’s hot skin felt against his and how they found their own rhythm. He wants to be with Ten, to spend time together and make the younger laugh. But… was it love?

“So I came up with this idea,” Yuta speaks up to catch his attention. “We all are a little worried but to say the truth we don’t know Ten. And I though that maybe you could invite him over.”

Yuta just keeps on surprising him this evening.

“I’m not really sure about it, Yuta. I don’t even know, how much Korean he knows.” Johnny is more worried about Ten’s attitude actually than the language barrier, but Yuta has this hopeful look in his eyes that always makes Johnny soft.

“No pressure, just ask him, if he wants to come. You said that he probably doesn’t have much friends here, if any. And aren’t we a little family?” He sends Johnny a bright smile, one that soothes his creeping nervousness. “I’m sure, he could get along well with Taeyong.”

And surprisingly Johnny can imagine that. Ten and Taeyong painting nails, Ten and Yuta making fun out of each other, even Ten and Taeil making lame jokes. The idea brings peace to his heart.

Johnny finally digs into the food, filling his mouth with noodles and the sudden creaminess of the soup takes him aback. It’s different from what he’s been eating till now but it definitely is not bad. He should probably learn to trust Yuta a little bit more.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_So he comes from Chicago, studies at Yonsei during daylight and works as a DJ at night. He’s nice, handsome and this charming smile of his will be the death of me. And don’t even get me started on these biceps of him, because, oh boy, these guns…_

_I cannot understand what’s happening to me, when I’m with Johnny._

_It’s like my common sense leaves me the instant we meet and instead of keeping myself calm and away from trouble (which in this situation is Johnny itself), the bubbly and overexcited Ten inside me makes an appearance. He smiles too much, laughs to loudly and flirts like a god damn queen._

_I’m fucking ridiculous and stupid, because I promised myself not to attach to anyone. That was the plan and I’m not following it. I’m such a fool, I cannot even find words to describe it. Keep the distance, don’t let your feelings get mingled in. And then I’m coming to the club, he works at, just to pull his arms around myself and dance dance dance dance._

_I can still feel his warm hands on my hips, hot breath over my neck and how his sweaty forehead touched mine. He’s doing strange things to me. These long limbs, plump lips and the black fringe that gets into his eyes._

_~~I wonder, what would happen if his friend didn’t show up. Would he fully lean down and kiss me? Would he be so foolish? Would he taste of the cigarettes we smoked? But most importantly, what would the kiss mean to him? That we’d date? That he could go to bed with me? Nothing or everything? And what would it actually mean to me?~~ _

_However, it’s not like I don’t sleep at night thinking about him or that my heart speeds up at the mere thought of him. No. But I catch myself thinking that it would be nice to have these arms wrapped around me, when the demon inside me tries to break free._

_And it’s the most disturbing of thoughts._

 

 

 

Johnny isn’t sure about the idea. To say the truth, he’s actually really worried. Yuta’s already in the kitchen preparing some doubtful but colorful drinks, while Taeyong puts snacks in different bowls. Taeil stands behind the couch, on which Johnny is sitting, and massages his tense muscles.

“It’s going to be fine,” Johnny hears from behind himself. “And if he’s not good for you, then I can just shoo him away myself.” Taeil presses his thumbs stronger into his neck and pain surges through Johnny’s core. Will it really help him relax?

“I’m worried, you’ll scare him away.”

“Your boyfie has to pass this test.” Yuta says, his voice coming from the kitchen. When Johnny looks at him, he sees a blue drink in the Japanese’s hand. Johnny hopes his best friend wouldn’t die from it.

The problem is, Johnny and Ten are not dating, but his friends still refer to Ten as his boyfriend. He hopes they just joke around and wouldn’t actually say it before the Thai boy. Johnny would prefer to talk about their relationship with Ten first. Or even let it develop a little more, before taking hazard steps.

“Just don’t embarrass me, okay?” Johnny closes his eyes and takes few deep breaths to calm himself down and get a hold of his speeding heartbeat. Why does he feel like that?

“No worries, I have the stories from our freshman year up my sleeve,” Yuta takes the seat next to him and hands him a red drink. Johnny isn’t sure about drinking it but then he realizes that if it kills him, he won’t have to get through this meeting. So he takes a sip and the taste of vodka attacks his taste buds. “By the way, I haven’t seen you like this since… Sooyoung, you know.”

“Don’t ruin the mood, you careless idiot!” Taeil stops massaging Johnny’s shoulders and smacks Yuta on the head.

“I’m just saying the truth!”

Johnny would join the argument, say that it somehow felt different with Sooyoung, that she was his girlfriend and he knew where their relationship stood the moment she met his friends, while his and Ten’s relation’s status is an enigma. They slept together but then Ten disappeared for four months and just week ago they were kissing in the subway.

But then the doorbell rings.

And Johnny wants to rush to open the door, before any of his friends does it; before Yuta starts telling inappropriate jokes or Taeil begins to interview Ten, searching for any clues that he’s not suitable for Johnny. But the two hold him against the couch and even though, he is squirming to break free, there is nothing he can do.

The door opens.

“Hi, Ten. I’m so happy you made it.”

When Johnny hears Taeyong speaking, he finally pushes Yuta aside and heads towards the doorway, hoping to get there, before his friend gets out of hand. But his hope dies easily, as he sees Taeyong engulfing Ten is a hug. That would be it for not scaring him away. However, before Johnny totally freaks out, he notices, Ten bringing his arms up and returning the hug. Maybe Johnny is just unnecessarily worrying over nothing.

“Let him go, Taeyong,” Johnny comes closer and slightly pushes his friend back to give Ten his personal space back. “I’m sorry for him.” He directs his attention towards the Thai boy and he feels this strange warmth in his chest again. There is no logical explanation to it but Johnny just deems it on the fact that Ten is smiling the brightest of his smiles.

“It’s fine,” Ten says. “If all your friends are like that, I think I’m going to love them, American boy.”

“Oh my god, so you really do call our Johnny boy ‘American boy’,” Taeyong once again attacks Ten’s personal space but the younger doesn’t seem to mind. “You’re perfect, come inside.”

It somehow feels like Taeyong is the host, because he’s the one to show Ten around and introduce him to the two of his friends in the living room and also he’s the one to bring the snacks to the coffee table and give Ten a violet drink. Surprisingly, it feels good to see his friend caring about the Thai boy.

Ten sits on the couch, squeezed between Taeyong and Yuta, who overexcitedly ask him questions and sip on their colorful drinks, when the Thai boy answers. Taeil and Johnny brought two chairs to sit on and mostly observe the other three. Johnny cannot help the smile that spreads on his lips.

Turns out Ten does speak Korean and even though, he tends to take a little bit of time to put together sentences, he understands quite a lot and even gets some of Yuta’s joke. It’s refreshing to see him like that. Because Johnny thought the younger would have problems with the language and adapting to his friends, while in reality he looks so in his element, it amazes him.

“You have no idea, how stressed out Johnny was the whole day,” Yuta says, seeing the look in his best friend’s eyes and oh, fuck Nakamoto Yuta. “He has no faith in us.”

“Because you both are unpredictable!” Johnny tries to justify himself. “For example, Yuta always finds a reason to talk about sex.”

“And I am emotionally unstable.” Taeyong adds, at which Ten arches a brow.

“When he’s not being all lovely dovely, he cries like a little baby.” Taeil explains from above the bowl of chips that he holds on his knees.

“Or marches at you with chopsticks, trying to poke your eyes out,” Yuta sticks his fingers out, demonstrating how Taeyong looks like, when he’s angry. And he’s doing a pretty descent job, in Johnny’s opinion. “We’re all very much fucked up.”

Johnny looks at Ten for his reaction and when the younger starts laughing the melodic, high – pitched laugh of his, Johnny once again feels warmth inside his chest. Ten is so beautiful like this it physically hurts.

“Good. That means I’m not going to stick out.”

For a moment, when Taeyong starts wiping the tears from his eyes and Yuta accidently spills his drink on his pants, Ten’s eyes find Johnny’s ones. Just like that – black to black – and Johnny feels, as if someone was looking straight into his soul, his walls crumbling down and in this very moment, he realizes he could let Ten see his wounded heart. He wouldn’t be scared to do it, even though, Ten already once hurt him.

Suddenly, a harsh slap lands on Johnny’s shoulder and when he whips his head to the side, he sees Taeil scrunching up his nose.

“You’re awfully cute and disgusting,” he says and it’s apparent that Ten also heard it by the way his cheeks color with a little bit of red. “But, Ten, I hope you’ll get along with us well.” It’s a telltale of future get togethers, of creating new bonds and growing roots and Johnny was scared Taeil wouldn’t like Ten, would still feel suspicious towards him, but it turns out he is as smitten with him as Johnny is. And that’s good for sure.

“I hope so too,” Ten answers and finishes his drink. “There is something really familiar about the four of you that I cannot pinpoint, though.”

“We’re like the vampires from that movie!” Yuta butts in, being too loud and too excited, which means he’s probably getting drunk. “What was its name?”

“What we do in the shadows.” Taeil recalls.

“Oh god, that’s it!” Ten exclaims in raw excitement and Johnny wonders, if he’s ever seen him like that. Eyes wide open and a look of childish awe on his face. “I rarely met anyone, how have seen or liked the movie.”

“Taeil is a sucker for such humor and if so are you then,” Taeyong wraps his arm around Ten’s shoulders and hugs him from the side. “Welcome to the family.”

It truly feels unreal to Johnny to have the four of them laughing together. The warmth in his chest spreads around his whole body, to the tip of his toes and fingers, and the feeling makes him believe that taking Ten into his world, would make him want to stay.

Johnny doesn’t know, how foolish of him it is.

Ten is saved from being hugged to death by Taeyong, when the pink – haired boy’s phone rings. He excuses himself and goes to Johnny’s bedroom to talk. Their talk dies out and Ten seems to be at loss, why the other three stopped talking and just stare at the door, behind which Taeyong disappeared.

“Is something wrong?” he asks carefully.

Johnny hoped a situation like this wouldn’t happen. That it would just be a nice evening spend on getting to know each other and laughing till their lungs give out. No unnecessary tears.

“Remember when we said that Taeyong’s mood can take a 180 turn in a second?” Yuta asks and Ten slowly nods. “That’s it.”

And right a moment later, Taeyong emerges from the bedroom, his smile long gone and face full of concern. His eyes are empty, as he once again takes the seat on the couch. Johnny knows, it must have been a call from Jaehyun and whatever he’s told Taeyong, it made the other really nervous.

“I gotta go.” Taeyong finally says, clenching his fists on his lap and harshly biting on his bottom lip.

“If that bastard hurts you one more time, I promise– ”

“Yuta, stop it.” Johnny interrupts him and puts his finger to his lips, showing the Japanese to keep quiet.

“It’s his parents,” Taeyong takes a shaky breath and tears start welling up in his eyes. “I got him into this mess and I’m older, so I will take the responsibility.”

And the tears flow down his cheeks.

Taeyong hates showing his real emotions to others – Johnny, Yuta and Taeil being exceptions as they’ve known each other for a long time now, but it still makes him uncomfortable and weak to just cry like that. He keeps a tough aura around himself but on the inside, he truly is soft. A little like the pink cotton candy his hair is color of.

But what shocks Johnny the most is the fact that Taeyong lets Ten grab his hand and then pull him into a warm hug. The older cries his eyes out on Ten’s shoulder and it’s almost unimaginable, because the Thai boy is still almost a stranger but Taeyong lets him hold him, when he’s the most vulnerable.

Maybe Taeyong is just really tired now and feels so helpless, he doesn’t care, who sees him like this. Maybe he just really needed for someone to hug him. Maybe, _just maybe_ , the both of their hearts are wounded, differently, but it give them a unique way to understand each other.

“I’m sorry.” Taeyong finally says, when he pulls away.

“It’s fine,” Ten wipes the tears from the pink – haired boys cheeks and sends him a reassuring smile. “Go get your lover boy.”

The positiveness spreads around Ten like little sparkles and soon Taeyong slightly smiles. He hugs Ten one last time, thanking him and gets up to collect his things. He puts on his combat boots and leather jacket and if not for the tears still running down his cheeks, he would look like the bad boy, he’s seen as at uni.

“I’ll give you a ride,” Taeil says also getting up, a look of worry evident in his eyes. “It was nice meeting you, Ten.”

They shake hands and soon after the two leave the apartment. Yuta, who got up to close the door, comes back to the living room ruffling his hair and reaching for his drink. He downs it in one gulp.

“I guess the party’s over,” the Japanese looks around the apartment, his eyes suddenly focusing on the direction of their television. “Unless anyone wants to play Call of Duty.”

Johnny rolls his eyes, because that’s exactly what he should have expected of Yuta. His best friend is either immersed in playing video games, hooking up with random girls or making ramyeon, so Johnny should have seen it coming. He gets up to move to the kitchen, maybe offer Ten a cup of tea of coffee, when he’s eyes are blinded by a bright smile.

“Only if we are to take some zombies down.” Ten says, while shining like the brightest of stars. Johnny feels his heart clenching.

They end up pushing the couch and coffee table back to have more space in front of the tv and sit on the floor with controllers in their hands. The game barely begins, when Yuta starts insulting Johnny’s skills and pointing out that he should have played more with him then lock himself in his room to sulk. Johnny replies by trying to hit his best friend but Ten is sitting between them, so he basically ends up pushing the Thai boy onto Yuta and squeezing the both of them. The first round ends, when Ten gets enough of their bickering and shoots both of their characters.

Johnny easily loses track of time, as his stomach starts to hurt from too much laughing and mind gets cleared from various worries. He hasn’t had that much fun in a long time, taking into consideration his devotion to studying, creating music and not letting Ten’s disappearance destroy him completely.

However, after two hours of feeling the younger’s shoulder pressed into his, Johnny feels like totally forgiving the other, not forgetting, but letting the events of that night slip away. Johnny still wants to know, why Ten left, what happened and if there is anything he can help him with, but feels it in his bones, knows it deep inside his heart that Ten didn’t have bad motives and whatever made him do it, it was a good reason. So Johnny can forgive him.

“Ten, you have a permanent invitation to our residence,” Yuta says, when they finally decide that they’ve played enough and it got pretty late. “I’m already thinking about degrading Johnny and putting you on my best friend place.” He says, to which Ten laughs.

“Thanks, asshole.” Johnny stands up and moves to catch Yuta but the Japanese quickly doges him and heads towards his bedroom.

“But all in all, it was really nice meeting you, Ten,” Yuta says, looking how Ten hold Johnny by his arm, not letting him go and strangle his best friend. “Finally I can stop referring to you as the – guy – Johnny – didn’t – bang – on – the – plane.”

And the door closes after him.

“Did he really refer to me like that?”

“Let’s not even start it, please.”

Johnny looks at the fingers still wrapped around his biceps, how they tighten their hold and then slowly let his arm slip from them. Ten casts his eyes down for a moment, before looking directly at Johnny. They’re close and after hours of laughing, playing and drinking together, Johnny actually dreams of asking Ten to stay over. Not for sex, not for scorching touches or sloppy kisses. He would just like to fall asleep next to the Thai boy, engulfed in the gentle cigarette smell of his body. But Johnny knows, he can’t.

“I better get going, before I miss the last train,” Ten says, stepping back and looking for his bag. Johnny nods and gives the younger a reassuring smile.

“Do you want me to walk you home?”

Ten shakes his head, as he drapes the bag over his shoulder and walks towards the door to put on his sneakers.

“I told you, I’m a big, grown up boy. I will be just fine.” The Thai boy leans on the doorway, just one step from being out of the apartment, and once again looks at Johnny, with fire and sparkles in his eyes.

The feeling from before once again warms Johnny’s core but this time it’s accompanied by a dreadful memory. The one, where Yuta pointed out his feelings. _And you’re in love._ Could it be true that he was in love with Ten? Could it be true that after everything, what happened he still had such great feelings for him? Could it be true that Ten was there to heal the wound in his heart?

Because that’s exactly what he felt next to Ten. That finally after almost two years, he is more concentrated on searching for ways to meet with the Thai boy than counting the days since Sooyoung has left, since she said those word, words that hunted Johnny every single day.

“Text me, when you get home, ok?”

He’s broken, his wounds bleeding and suffocating, but when he bends down and kisses Ten, unexpectedly, wholeheartedly, it feels like he’s found the medicine, he was so desperately searching for.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_I left and there is no other explanation to it other than the fact there is just something terribly wrong with me._

_I’ve been avoiding meeting with Johnny for the past two weeks, because each and every time he asked me out, a horrible feeling inside me rose. My stomach turned, my muscles tensed and it became harder and harder to breath. It wasn’t a normal reaction. If it was because of my crush or falling in love with Johnny, then my hands would shake and heartbeat got extremely fast but all in all it would be a good feeling._

_This one wasn’t._

_The anxiety likes to clutch to things, which we associate with more emotions; which excite us; which scare us; which bring us joy. So even though, the thing I’m about to experience is something good in overall, the anxiety catches the feeling and turns its outcome to a total opposite. And in result you end up with a panic attack._

_Each time Johnny called me, I tried telling my own body not to freak out, because it’s just Johnny, the tall American boy, who I talk with late at night, who makes me a little bit too happy. But it never listened and I had to decline every offer, which Johnny made._

_One evening at the end of my shift, came a delivery request from a very familiar address. And because I was thinking about it as work and not simply meeting with Johnny, I found strength in myself to go and see him._

_How the night ended with me losing virginity is quite a mystery. But there was just something in his eyes, the way he looked at me, the was he showed that he has scars on his heart. It all made me feel like I could belong with him, like he could understand and even fight the demon that lives inside me. Especially, when he’s chest warmed my back, his arm held me close and lips glazed over my tattoo._

_And then it woke up._

_I couldn’t fall asleep, my whole body started shivering and my stomach twisted. I was harshly reminded of why I didn’t want anyone to get close to me._

_Because I was unstable, a ticking bomb, fucking disaster not a proper human being. No one deserves to have their life ruined by someone like me. Johnny is too good, too nice and too important for me to just destroy him like this._

_With an awful stomachache and tears silently choking me, I left his apartment._

_In order to save him._

 

 

 

 **10**  
_can we meet in front of my dance studio tomorrow at 2 pm?  
_ 09:37 pm

 **american boy**  
_sure  
_ 09:40 pm

 **american boy**  
_everything’s alright?  
_ 09:40 pm

 **10**  
_just wanted to talk  
_ 09:42 pm

The snow has melted away, leaving the sidewalks wet and dirty with the remnants of winter. The chilly wind is slowly being replaced with warmer breeze. The plants start to grow fresh, green leaves and in just few weeks the cherry blossom will bloom.

There is a scent of life in the air.

However, as Johnny nears the location, where Ten asked him to meet, a feeling of uncertainty takes over his senses. There is a thought haunting him, since the latter texted him last night, that there is something wrong. What Ten wanted to talk with him? Why so sudden? Why before Ten’s lessons and not later, in the evening, hopefully over nice dinner?

Johnny doesn’t want to seem paranoid, it’s just that he truly doesn’t want to wake up one day to realize that Ten is gone. Again.

On the other hand, Ten told him the exact address of the dance studio he works at, which should actually reassure Johnny that the Thai boy doesn’t intend on leaving him any time soon. Maybe, _just maybe_ he’s trying to open up to him.

Ten is sitting on a bench right in front of the studio with eyes focused on his lap and hair falling over his forehead. There is a sports bag laying on the wet ground next to him and Ten doesn’t seem to mind that it might soak. By the way his fists clench and unclench, Johnny can tell that there is something bugging him.

He doesn’t announce his arrival, nor does he say anything to get Ten’s attention. Johnny just takes a seat right next to the Thai boy, letting their shoulders and knees touch. He seeks comfort in silence and the mere presence of the other man.

“Hi Johnny.” Ten finally says after a moment of just sitting next to each other.

“Hi,” Johnny replies and takes one of Ten’s hands into his. He can’t stand looking at the way they clench out of nervousness. “What’s wrong, big boy?”

Ten doesn’t answer, he just sits there with eyes casted down and shaky hands. The nervousness in him is so apparent, Johnny tries to recall, whether he’s ever seen him like this. Sure, he saw Ten at the club and the way he felt uncomfortable but he deemed it on the alcohol back then. Now, Ten is sober but all in all looks three times more scared than ever.

“Ten?” He tries one more time and tightens his hold on the younger’s hands to reassure him that he’ll be fine with Johnny.

“I think we rushed too much,” Ten finally says. His hand in Johnny’s gets completely pliant, as he continues speaking. “I can’t do this.”

It feels as if someone just drenched Johnny in a tab full of ice cold water. His heart stops, eyes open widely and he’s looking at Ten, hoping, wishing, praying, he just misunderstood him. That it’s just a small mistake. That Ten isn’t talking about, what Johnny fears he is. The feeling in his chest dreads him, though.

“I don’t understand, Ten. Does your leg still hurt? Do you want me to take you home? To the hospital?” It’s a foolish try to give himself hope, to push away the thought that Ten is talking about something totally different – their ‘relationship’.

The Thai boy finally looks up at him, his eyes cold and black and soulless and scared. Johnny sees it easily, without much effort, because he’s spend quite a while trying to figure Ten out. What he’s like, his antics and habits. And so he knows, the talk will not end positively.

“I meant us and whatever we are doing.” The way he talks about them, with voice void of any emotions, makes it look like Ten truly doesn’t care. Johnny is aware, it’s not true; that Ten really does have some feelings for him but this sudden change of attitude messes up with his mind.

“So it’s just ‘whatever’ to you,” Johnny doesn’t even try to hide the hurt in his voice. “I don’t get it. Just few days ago we were fine.”

“I hoped we could do this, be together, but I can’t, Johnny. I can’t be in a relationship with you.”

It hurts more than it should, like a stake to his heart, because Ten’s words are just so similar to the ones, he’s heard two years ago.

_‘It’s not that I don’t want it. I just don’t want it with you, Johnny.”_

Johnny recalls the moment he thought Ten would be the medicine for his wounded heart. Oh, how wrong he was. Because after all, Ten is just breaking him even more. And he’s been bad news from the very beginning, from the moment he lied about his working hours, didn’t tell Johnny his real name and left after the night, they spent together. Johnny was just stupid to believe Ten was different.

“Was it all a game to you? Did you have fun?” There is remorse in his words and hurt, sadness. Wounds in his heart are now open and furiously bleeding.

“What? No, Johnny, you were never a game to me,” Ten suddenly tightens his hold on the older’s hand but the latter is quick to pull it back. “I just realized, I don’t want you to be in this mess.” He says looking at his now empty palm.

“You’re just making a fool out of me. Must have been funny.”

“You don’t know me.”

And the resentment takes over Johnny’s sanity.

“You’re right, I don’t, because you left me in the middle of the night, cold, lonely and there is no way for me to understand you, when you just keep on hiding the truth,” He’s blinded by his own pain, not reading the situation well and just saying what’s on his mind. “How can you be so heartless?”

The moment his eyes meet Ten’s ones – black to black – and see the way the Thai boy’s composure breaks, how he instantly gets vulnerable, tiny and broken makes Johnny regret, what he’s just said.

“I’m sorry for being like this, I just never truly had friends to figure out, how to maintain a relationship. No one has ever stayed with me.”

Suddenly, Johnny is reminded of the night Ten walked him home, how Ten asked of him to not leave him, before he kissed him goodbye. Johnny promised to stay with Ten. And now, he’s breaking the word he’s given.

“If you just told me the truth, it would be so much easier.”

It seems their conversation is coming to an end, because ten abruptly stands up and takes his bag with him. He turns around, so that he can face Johnny, and what terrifies the older is that Ten isn’t angry, nor does he look empty, void of emotions. He looks broken, nothing Johnny has ever seen before.

“I– ” The Thai boy starts and there are tears in his eyes, they shine and threaten to flow down his cheeks. “I have an– ” Ten doesn’t finish, though, because the tears finally spill and he immediately turns around, quickly making his way into the studio.

Johnny is sitting on the bench, thinking about how everything between them changed so drastically. They were sending each other sweet goodnight texts just three nights before and now everything they’ve had is gone. For good.

He is about to go back home, when his eyes catch a glimpse of something laying on the bench next to where Ten was seated. Johnny takes it into his hand and realizes it’s a notebook. With black, plain cover and nothing indicating, who it belongs to. So he cautiously opens it to see, if there are any notes. He starts reading the first page, the content surprisingly being written in English.

_‘Thailand, 2012’_

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_It’s been three weeks since I last saw Johnny. I’ve been avoiding all his calls, not reading any of his texts and even changed shifts at Shuttle to mornings, because the orders from Johnny’s address only came in the evenings. I did everything to let him go, to set him free from the monster I am._

_But it does not change the fact, how much I miss him, how much pain I brought myself, how much I must have hurt Johnny. In the mornings, I wake up with void in my heart, which throughout the day fills up with sorrow and regret. Each time I receive a text from Johnny, I miss the way we joked around, called each other in the middle of the night and how he got flustered, when I called him ‘American boy’._

_At nights, I recall the way he held my waist in the club, took me to his bed and how I kissed him on the couch. The dark sheets carried such a heavy scent of his body that when I close my eyes, I can still perfectly feel it engulfing me. Then my eyes start welling up with tears, because Johnny was the only one, who actually wanted to hold me, to spend time with me, the only one who cared, who wanted to stay._

_I wanted him, too. With his way too long legs, sloppy kisses and mysterious wound on his heart. I wanted him the way he approached me on the plane – tired, clumsy and sweet._

_I still do._

_But there are moments, when we opt to choose what is best for the our dear ones and not for ourselves. When what we cherish more is their happiness than our own._

_When I am desperately fighting to save him._

_From myself._

 

 

 

It feels like drowning and floating on a steady surface at the same time; like being set on fire and turned into a cold stone; like being caged and freely soaring through the sky. It makes Johnny want to die and jump happily at the same time.

He has spent the last two days looking at the black notebook, eyeing the cover and wondering, what’s written inside. Because as strange as it may seem, after seeing the beginning of the content – the diary – Johnny found himself feeling guilty. These are Ten’s notes, probably all of his secrets, which are his well deserved privacy. There also may be the answers to all the questions Ten never answered. Each and every case that made Johnny so confused throughout the time, they spend together. But in Johnny’s opinion, it’s just not fair to look at them without permission.

He didn’t tell any of his friends about the notebook, especially Taeyong, who happened to get close with Ten lately. Johnny doesn’t want to think about, what Ten would do, if he knew who’s in possession of his notebook at the moment. Because it could easily mean a definite end to their friendship, relationship, no matter whether Johnny would read the diary or not.

However, there still is hope that Ten wouldn’t cut him off, that he would be a little bit more understanding and let Johnny into his life once again. Even though, the hope is just a small spark in his heart, it’s there.

There is a knock on his door and he barely has time to hide the notebook under the blanket, before the door opens and Yuta pokes his head inside.

“Taeyong called.” he says and it’s all it takes to let Johnny know that their conversation is going to be about one tiny Thai boy.

“Was he ranting about Ten once again?”

Yuta pushes the door open and enters the bedroom. He approaches Johnny and shoves him on the shoulder, meaning to say that Johnny should make some space for him on the bed. And so he does, letting the Japanese wiggle under the covers next to him.

“I have news about your lover boy.” Yuta says but, even though, his words seem playful, the tone he used is nothing but. He knows that Johnny and Ten fought two days ago, that they haven’t spoken since that day, that Johnny’s self – esteem is once again broken and his wounds are bleeding.

“Is he doing fine?” Johnny asks, because it’s the first and most important question to him right now.

“I’m nor sure, you want to hears exactly, what Taeyong said,” The Japanese bends his knees and hugs his knees to his chest. “But he didn’t use the word ‘fine’. Not even once.”

It irks Johnny to think that Ten isn’t doing good, to picture him sitting alone in his small apartment, hiding under blankets. Then he remembers the exact moment he’s last seen the boy – when the tears flew down his cheeks and choked any sentence he was about to make.

Johnny wants to beat himself for being such a coward and not making a move in the last two days. But then the words Ten said ring in his ears and he’s reminded, why he still doesn’t know, how to face the younger boy.

“I don’t know, what to do anymore, Yuta.”

“I’m actually nor sure myself but what Taeyong told me is a little bit disturbing,” Yuta’s words make Johnny’s heart clench in the strangest of ways. He should still be mad at Ten but it’s as if his heart had no intentions of holding a grunge anymore. All he feels is raw worry. “I know, he hurt you and I’m not even sure about what I feel about the two of you keeping this relation going but you should talk,” He gets quiet for a moment, which in this situation is something truly unexpected of Yuta, so Johnny dreads, what he’s thinking about. “I think he needs help.”

Johnny takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the heavy feeling in his heart. He’s about to ask Yuta to elaborate but they both hear the Japanese’s phone ringing in the living room and so Yuta leaves to answer the call.

Johnny stays in bed, thinking about the things his best friend told him. And if he was curious before, then now he’s dying from the curiosity eating him alive. It’s selfish to expect of someone to tell them their secrets, when they surely have a reason to hide them. Johnny understands, knows that intruding into Ten’s privacy is the one thing he shouldn’t be doing without the younger’s permission.

But worry is what attacks Johnny right after curiosity. It makes his heart clench, hands shake and he tries to overcome this strange feeling, stop the stream of thoughts in his head and clear his mind but nothing, nothing, nothing works. He might cry, shout, scream and it’s all because of Ten, Ten, Ten. The world around him starts crumbling, pushing at his chest with enormous power.

The moment Johnny takes the notebook into his hands, he knows he’s lost the boy forever.

He reads the first notes carefully, taking notice of every single word and even making out the crossed out sentences. Johnny doesn’t read each and every record, though. Some are short, quite chaotic and mostly focusing on the raw emotions that Ten must have felt. It is not that Johnny doesn’t want to know, what these parts are about. He just isn’t sure, he will be able to go through all of them with his heart not breaking into tiny little pieces.

Although, the longer notes also bring pain, they also hold the truth that Johnny is so desperately looking for. They are sincere, written from the bottom of Ten’s heart, but it’s apparent they were meant to be held in secret, to never be seen by any other person then the one, who’s written them down.

Johnny knows that fighting for Ten right now, as he’s discovering all his secrets without the younger’s permission, means that he will never have him back. Never again will Ten put his trust in him.

The further Johnny digs into the diary, the more nervous he gets. Questions starts popping up him his mind and he feels at loss – when Ten writes about him being the one hurting himself, about not being able to tell it to his sister, how dancing helps him, how he suddenly got attacked by panic and his parents found him on the bathroom floor. It all leave such a terrifying feeling in Johnny’s chest, he hopes he’s not going to get sick.

And then he sees it, right in the middle of the page, looking so odd surrounded by English words, but at the same time holding the meaning Johnny cannot be wrong with.

_Chittaphon._

Ten’s real name.

To acknowledge that the scared boy from the notebook is the same one, with who Johnny danced months ago in the club, isn’t easy. Especially, when he reaches the records from 2018 and his own name makes appearance on the paper. And he realizes he’s been wrong all the time, accusing Ten of things he didn’t do, of not feeling the same way as Johnny does, when in reality Ten has went through hell with the way he feels about the older boy.

And it wasn’t because Ten was so in love. Or that he was not in love at all. It was because having great feelings, when your mind isn’t working properly, could be deadly.

It is because Ten is ill.

Johnny learns that from the one ripped out page, which has _“Thailand, 2012,”_ at the beginning and _“anxiety disorder”_ at the end.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_To think that your feelings will go away with time, especially in four months, is foolish. It is so stupid, I’m astonished I could fall for such thing. Wounds heal with time. But what about the feelings? The way they still make my heart beat faster and breath get stuck in my throat_ – _what about it?_

_Especially, when Johnny Seo was kissing me. After how I left him and was avoiding him for four months, he kissed me, as if there was no tomorrow._

_I should have pushed him away, tell him off and not let him get close. Not when I so desperately needed a safe anchor like him, when I knew that I could rely on him but probably later on never let go. I can’t do it to him. I can’t hurt him like this, when I’m so unstable at the mere thought of being with someone._

_I still recall, what I felt after we spent the night together. All the good things were overpowered by my fear, my fucking anxiety._

_Still yesterday, I let him take me home. Carry me on his back. Kiss me again._

_I am a selfish addict. I know I will never be with Johnny, because no matter how close I let him in, in the end I will come back to my senses and make the line, he should never cross. I am weak and when he holds me, I get the feeling that this could be my life – me safe in Johnny’s arms, ready to fight the world and the demon inside me. But then again, Johnny deserves to have a happy life with someone, who wouldn’t get panic attacks out of nowhere._

_He doesn’t deserve a mess like me._

_However, when I’m defenseless, as he looks at me with his big eyes and reaches for me like I truly do have value, I let him – just for a moment. To hold me, to kiss me, to help me._

_And I, for a very short moment, let myself be – be in love._

 

 

Ever since reading Ten’s notebook, the words written there keep on replaying in Johnny’s head without any of his effort. Or permission. It feels as if someone played a recording in his mind on loop and the pause button isn’t working. He barely slept last night, tormented by the echo of what he saw.

_“Because I was unstable, a ticking bomb, fucking disaster not a proper human being. No one deserves to have their life ruined by someone like me. Johnny is too good, too nice and too important for me to just destroy him like this.”_

The way Ten describes himself is petrifying in the most simple of words. With so much ease and fluidity he degrades himself, puts his own self under such harsh criticism, he rarely focuses on anything he’s done good. Johnny knows, what it feels like to lose hope in himself, to give up and want to shut away from the whole world. But no matter his low self – esteem, he never even thought about not being good enough for this world. He never though about finishing his life.

_“Because I’m sick and tired of what’s happening to me. I’ve got enough. I’ve seen that the world doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me, I accept, so can it, please, stop hurting? Can I finally go out like any other young man? Can I stay up all night and party without thinking, when I’m going to start freaking out? Can I go to sleep?_

_And, hopefully, never wake up.”_

The note is quite old, Johnny’s aware of it, but the way Ten writes about himself hasn’t changed much throughout the years. It scares him that their fight few days ago could trigger the Thai boy’s anxiety and… and Johnny feels anxious himself. Worries about Ten’s well – being and the mere though that something could have happened to him, that he’s done something to hurt himself, makes Johnny’s vision spin around.

That’s why he’s at Ten’s door right now.

He rings the doorbell, with eyes focused on the wooden surface before him and hand laying on top of his bag, in which is Ten’s notebook. Johnny didn’t message or call Ten beforehand, because he knew the younger wouldn’t answer. Even though, he’s not sure Ten is home, he still decided to try – to see the other and maybe, _just maybe_ , talk.

There is shuffling on the other side of the door, followed by a loud curse and Ten must have taken a look through the peephole. Even after a moment, the door doesn’t open, so Johnny comes closer and knocks.

“Ten,” he says softly but loud enough for the other to hear him. “I know you’re there.”

“Leave me alone.”

If he didn’t already know, why Ten was acting like this, he would probably go home, focus on studies and writing music. But he’s not naïve, not anymore.

“I need to see you.” Both of Johnny’s hands are plastered to the door, hoping that the lock would give away and he could get inside. He needs to see Ten, hear his voice clearly and… and he’s not sure what more, but Johnny is about to do anything to just spend a moment with the younger.

The door suddenly opens, however, it’s not what Johnny was expecting. Ten doesn’t remove the door chain, letting Johnny see only a part of his face.

“Now you saw me. Bye,” Ten tries to shut the door again but Johnny is quick to hold it. “Johnny, leave.”

“Can we talk?” Johnny’s voice comes out gentle, calm and worried but also so soft. It’s obvious Ten hears it, because the glare on his face is soon replaced with fondness and warmth ,warmth, warmth. Johnny wishes Ten would open the door fully, so he could feel the strong muscles, cigarette scent and soft breaths – everything that makes the figure of the Thai boy.

“What is it?” Ten asks, voice harsh but with no malice in it.

“Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“No,” Ten shakes his head, black fringe falling over the eyes. “We’re talking like this.”

Seeing that Ten is not about to change his mind and they truly are going to keep on talking through the barely opened door, Johnny decides to get comfortable. He leans his head and left shoulder on the door, standing close to the small gap, through which he can see Ten. The Thai boy takes a similar position and it’s astonishing, how they are so close to each other but still our of reach of one another.

“Why did you come?”

“I was worried about you,” the older states a matter of fact. “And I wanted to apologize for what I’ve said last time.”

Ten averts his eyes and takes a deep breath. He looks torn, confused, as if he didn’t know, how he should react, what he should say.

“What you said was true.” he finally says, voice airy and light.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

It’s funny, how Johnny is the one apologizing, making excuses, when honestly Ten is the one, who started their fight. But Johnny is the one, who said meaner words, who attacked first, who made Ten cry.

“I know,” Their eyes meet, the act so familiar, so comfortable and Johnny feels like he’s finally home. “You wouldn’t hurt a fly, American boy. You’re too soft for that.”

Johnny drowns in the words, how they warm his heart and wrap around his body. He’s encountered many different people but never has he felt so enchanted as he is with Ten. It kills him that he can’t tell Ten that he would stay with him till the end of the world, till the oceans dry out and earth burns down. With cigarette smoke, loud laugh, anxiety disorder, he would take him as he stands.

“Is there anything more?”

On his way there, Johnny’s mind crossed an idea. He read Ten’s notebook without his knowledge and sooner or later he would have to give the diary back. It wouldn’t be shocking, if the Thai boy decided to never see him again, to cut off all their ties and part their ways forever. But before that happens, Johnny owns Ten the same thing he took from him – his secret.

“I want to tell you a story.”

Johnny feels the way his stomach turns and his heart almost stops. He never told the story to anyone. Yuta, Taeyong and Taeil know, because they were there, right with him, the drama playing in front of their eyes. Johnny is aware, he might not be able to say it all, to get into details and the most painful of memories. But he wants to do it for Ten – the boy, who looks at him with big eyes filled with curiosity.

“It’s about a boy, who fell in love,” he starts carefully, taking breathes between the sentences to control his raging feelings. “With the most beautiful girl in the whole university. Since they started dating, he believed that he had everything he ever wanted – good grades, loving friends, stable relationship. He didn’t care, she made him quit smoking, never supported his passion towards music and liked to show him off to her friends.”

There is burning at the back of Johnny’s throat but he tries not to focus on the feeling.

“It may seem she was horrible but there was just something in her gentle touch and calm voice that made the boy feel… happy. Simply and wholeheartedly happy. The boy realized that, even though, they were young and unexperienced, he saw the women in her, he would like to marry in time. And everything was going great until– ”

He averts his eyes, turning and pushing his back to the surface of the door. His heart starts beating fast, way too fast for his liking, and his vision spins a little.

“One day, when he was at her place, he found ultrasound pictures in her nightstand. There was a baby on them. It was a shock, they were still very young, in the middle of preparing for the finals but a thought crossed his mind that he should screw uni, screw the finals, he was going to be a father.”

A forced laugh leaves Johnny’s throat but it doesn’t make him feel better. He still feels his lashes getting a little wet.

“He came to her, all hopeful and joyful, saying ‘you’re pregnant’ but all she responded with was a cold glare and ‘not anymore’,” Johnny takes a deep breath, his body shuddering on it’s own as he speaks. “She got rid of it without telling me and it would be fine, really, but she didn’t tell me beforehand.”

The tears fill up his eyes but he doesn’t let them flow, he holds them, trying to fight the memories. It’s been so long, he should be over it now but somehow, somehow it still hurts so much.

“But what was the worst, wasn’t that she quit the pregnancy, but what she said later. ‘It’s not that I didn’t want the kid, I just didn’t want it with you’.”

The world spins, his throat closes up and Johnny cannot breath. It’s much more painful than he thought it would be but at some point he feels like a part of the weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

Gentle fingers caress his face, his cheek and around the eyes, and when Johnny looks towards the opened door and sees Ten’s arm hardly pushed between the crack. He feels tears running down his cheeks.

“It’s okay, Johnny.”

The older focuses on the way Ten’s cold hand caresses his face, wipes away the tears and so Johnny tries to calm down his breathing. It’s easier said than done and it takes a moment before Johnny can once again normally take a breath.

“Why did you tell me, American boy?” Ten asks, his hand still on Johnny’s face, fingers drawing circles on his skin.

“Yuta used to say that after Sooyoung I never truly looked happy,” Johnny looks at the younger through his fringe and wet lashes. He wishes the door was opened and he could embrace the Thai boy, get lost in his arms and the gentle scent of his body. “But I’m happy now.”

Ten slowly takes his hand away, hiding it behind the door and looking down. Johnny sees the way the younger would like to step back, to close the door and finish whatever happened here. Johnny is not about to push him to his limits, he now knows, how Ten feels about it.

“I can’t, Johnny.”

“I know,” the older pushes his hand between the opened door, no matter the scratch and pull of his skin, and laces his fingers with Ten’s ones. “I just thought, you deserved to know.”

Johnny decides to not give Ten the notebook back now. He selfishly wants to have the last reason to talk to the boy, to stay in touch, in contact, just a little longer. He just doesn’t want for the end to come today.

 

 

 

_Korea, 2018_

_I have to put an end to it. What I did, what I let Johnny do, what we both did, it all went too far. I should have stopped him earlier, controlled myself and my stupid heart but… but just for once I selfishly wanted to feel needed, wanted, loved._

_There was a moment, when I thought that I could find enough strength in myself to face my anxiety, tell Johnny about it and the real reason, why I left his apartment in the middle of the night, when moments later we were holding each other so passionately. It was when one weekend, just before midnight, I decided to walk Johnny home from Hot Potato. I didn’t know, where the sudden courage came from and how it made me go out and meet him but it did. That day I was sure I would get better. So I kissed him, hoping the feeling would never change into anything dangerous, out of hand._

_The world came tumbling down after the day I met his friends. To say meeting them was great is an understatement. It was incredible. They took me in like real brothers, making me feel warm and… safe – safe like never before. Even when Yuta made rude jokes, Taeil kept on suspiciously eyeing me and Taeyong was hugging me way to often. Somehow with all of our different personalities we did fit together._

_It was during the night, when I couldn’t sleep, that I felt it. The joy subsided, excitement died out, love turned into fear. The anxiety clutched onto the best feelings that I had found. I shivered the whole night, not being able to fully fall asleep but also not stay completely awake. It was foolish of me to forget about the monster that lived inside me._

_When morning came, I made up my mind._

_We couldn’t keep on doing it anymore. I had to talk to Johnny, tell him that we rushed too much and that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had to leave him – the soft American boy, who taught me so much, who made my heart skip a beat and for whom I wanted to leave my apartment. The man, who kept on calling for delivery just to see me, who wasn’t afraid to dance with me in the crowd, who held me with feelings I have never experienced before._

_I have to leave him, the American boy, Johnny Seo, the man I love._

 

 

 

Johnny knows something is wrong, when Yuta suddenly shoots up from his seat before the tv and declares he’s going out to meet Taeyong. So out of blue, with no sign that Taeyong is once again not feeling well or an invitation for Johnny to join them – Johnny feels it in his bones that they are up to something no good.

What is even more strange is the fact that around half an hour after Yuta has left, the doorbell rings and Johnny is sure, he’s seen Yuta taking the keys with him.

But he can’t say he’s disappointed, when he opens the door. Because there is a smaller man there, with newly dyed hair, back to the platinum from when they first met, and a smile on his lips, the one that could lighten up the darkest of nights.

“Ten.” he breaths out and blinks – once, twice – because it seems unimaginable. Ten is at his door.

“Hi, American boy,” he says, his melodic voice soft. He shows Johnny the paper bag in his hand, looking him in the eyes. “I realized that I owe you dinner. Burgers and fries so you would feel better and,” he bites into his lower lip showing his nervousness. “and I could say sorry.”

Johnny feels his heart swelling and, even though, he knows there is no way they are going to go back to what they had over five months ago. Still he lets himself hope, because Ten is here, looking up at him, with a smile on his lips and platinum hair over his dark eyes.

“You look beautiful,” he says and it’s intentional. There is no blush creeping up his cheeks, nor awkward laugh escaping his throat. He takes the opportunity, while he has it. “Come in, big boy.”

They sit on the floor by the coffee table with their backs to the couch and knees slightly brushing each other. Johnny takes the food out of the bag, one burger for Ten, one for himself and a huge box of fries that he lays between them. He instantly digs into the fries but before he can get them to his mouth, Ten snatches one of them and puts it in his own mouth.

Johnny mutters a low curse and opts to unpack the burger. He didn’t eat lots of junk food, while he still lived in the States but there is something in the taste of greasy meat and heavy sauce that makes him feel better. It’s exactly when he takes the third bite that Ten speaks up.

“I’m sorry for everything I did, Johnny. If I knew, what you went through, I would never be so stupid to– ”

“Ten,” Johnny interrupts him, only now knowing that the reason for the Thai boy’s rumbling is because he’s getting anxious. “Dig in, we’ll talk when you’re finished.” And Johnny simply cannot stop himself, so he lets his hand reach for Ten and gently caress his cheek.

They eat slowly, Johnny mindlessly talking about his newest song and Ten admitting he was the one, who asked Taeyong to call Yuta and get him out of the flat. Johnny gets him to say more about the way he made friends with Taeyong, because he’s genuinely curious. Even if they were not made to be together, Johnny would very much like for Ten to have at least one actual friend and he’s happy that it could be Taeyong.

Their fingers constantly brush, when they reach for the fries but neither of them reacts, not retreating their hands nor looking away. Somehow they feel closer then they’ve been and Johnny hopes that maybe, _just maybe_ , it’s because he told Ten the truth about his past.

As they finish eating, they crawl up onto the couch. Johnny rests his legs on the coffee table, while Ten folds his own ones to his chest. The younger looks a little less uncomfortable than he did before and Johnny has to resist the urge to take him into his arms and cradle him against his chest.

“You’re staring.” Ten says and it’s a matter of fact, because Johnny _is_ staring.

“It’s your hair’s fault. Makes me feel like the last months didn’t exist, like we’re back to when we first met,” Johnny leans his head back to rest it on the cushions. “But we can’t go back, can we?”  

It’s funny, how Ten is still unaware that Johnny’s read his notebook but is already set on them not getting back together, or actually finally being together. Johnny isn’t sure, he can say they were ever a thing. Ten disappeared before they could start.

“It’s not that _we_ can’t but that _I_ can’t.” Ten’s smile has faded. He’s looking at his knees right now, not giving off the anxious aura but definitely looking troubled.

“But you’re doing so good, Ten,” Johnny keeps his eyes open, so he doesn’t miss any second of the boy sitting beside him. “You bring me dinner, call late in the evenings, walk me home from work. There is nothing more you need to do.” He sees the way Ten nervously bites into his lower lip and he’s suddenly reminded of something Ten’s written in his notebook. “Unless you’re leaving.”

The younger quickly shakes his head.

“I’m not,” he says but his hold around his knees tightens and his eyes don’t meet Johnny’s ones. “But I may one day.”

Johnny scoots a little closer, testing the waters. After the dinner, he’s almost sure, Ten wouldn’t be scared of the proximity. Even though, the younger looks really nervous, the aura around him is calm, determined and _oh so warm._ Their faces are only centimeters apart, when the Thai boy looks at him, his cheeks not flaring red but breath slightly hitching.

“Then I’ll go with you.”

Ten’s eyes plead him not to go further, to stop being stupid and not fall for him but his hands find perches on Johnny’s shoulders, fisting the material of his t-shirt, like he’s restricting himself from getting any closer.

“You’re being ridiculous.” The younger’s breath fans over Johnny’s lips.

“Sooner or later, I will need a change too. I’ll go with you. Anywhere you want.”

“You don’t understand. You can’t go with me. You can’t be with me. Because I’m like a fucking ticking bomb and I already hurt you. I don’t want to do this again but I know, I will, I will keep on hurting you and you will hate me, hate me for who I am.”

Ten keeps on rumblings, his voice trembling, hands shaking. The posture he’s had is slowly scuttering down, gradually unrevealing the anxious boy, who’s so scared to show his true self to anyone, because he has scars that bleed and he’s barely able to comprehend, what’s happening to him at times like these.

There are multiple ways of distracting Ten. Johnny could shout at him, kiss him, shake some sense into him. But he doesn’t. Because there is something Johnny needs to tell him, before he pleads Ten to stay with him.

“Chittaphon.”

Ten’s face goes blank. His lips part, eyes open widely and he blinks – once, twice – before backing away from Johnny. He leaves his embrace, getting to the furthest end of the couch.

“You misspelled it,” the younger breathes out, his eyes focused on the floor, face pale. “How did you find out?”

Johnny has a hard time saying it out loud, so instead he quickly gets up and enters his bedroom, just to come back with _the_ notebook in his hands. The look on Ten’s face tells him, he’s been foolish to believe they could work it out.

“You left it on the bench in front of the dance studio.” Johnny says quickly, before Ten starts accusing him, and hands the younger the diary.

Ten takes it carefully, looking at the cover with big, teary eyes. He must have been looking for it, thinking about where he’s left it and if anyone say the content. He must have been worried.

Johnny prepares himself for the blow – for Ten to hit him or shout at him, scream profanities and storm out of the apartment. The younger puts the notebook one the couch and stands up, the height difference between him and Johnny now more apparent than ever.

“Tell me,” he says, words bitter. “Tell me what you know.”

Guilt gets a hold of Johnny’s throat, leaving shivers on his back and slowly creeping into his heart. That’s it, he’s fucked up. Johnny’s going to lose Ten forever.

“You have anxiety disorder.”

And to some it may not mean much. Being ill is just what happened and they live with it, accepting it or fighting day by day, searching for the positives in the pain. But Ten doesn’t. He’s had enough of fighting, of trying to accept the one thing that makes him feel so weak and unwanted. He tries, tries, tries but it is never enough and he doesn’t want anyone to be with him, to help him carry the burden, because he’s the only one, who knows how difficult and painful it is.

Johnny knows it all, he’s read the notebook after all.

“Why are you doing this?” Ten asks, brows frowning and eyes slightly watering. “Why are you so desperately trying to convince me to be with you, when you now know, what I am like? You’ve been hurt already, Johnny. Why are you doing this?!” His voice echoes through the walls and bangs on Johnny’s heart.

“I already told you,” he answers softly, hands carefully reaching for Ten and settling on his hips, when the Thai boy doesn’t back away. “You make me happy.”

Ten flinches and a tear rolls down his cheek but he doesn’t push Johnny away, when the older leans his forehead on the younger’s one. Their lips brush, almost meeting but keeping the distance at the same time.

“I can’t do this, Johnny. I’m just so scared of feelings, of them getting too strong. I’m scared it will be too much and I’ll go insane.”

Johnny slightly bends down and hooks his hands under Ten’s knees to swiftly take him into his arms. The younger’s legs wind around his hips and arms around shoulders. His cheeks are pink, eyes glossy and Johnny can feel him shivering, as if he were cold.

“We’ll take baby steps,” the older tries to reassure. “Nothing out of the comfort zone. I want you to tell me, when you don’t feel well, to show me what medication you need and how you take it. Be your true self with me.”

It comes as a shock, when Ten kisses him – gently, softly, cautiously like he’s stepping on thin ice. He pushes his fingers through Johnny’s hair and slightly bucks his hips. His skin is getting hot under the older’s palms.

“Make me forget, American boy.”

Johnny can still feel, how tense and anxious Ten is, but he isn’t one to oppose such a command.

He attacks Ten’s lips, as if his life depended on it and he’s been starving, starving too long for the intoxicating taste that makes his heart find the right rhythm, while thinking the Thai boy will never let them get close again. Guess there’s still a lot he has to learn about Ten.

Their lips stay together, even when Johnny starts walking them to his bedroom. There is something about the way he holds the younger that feels like a déjà vu. Because they’ve been there, held each other like this and fell onto Johnny’s bed with lust overcoming their senses.

But on his way there, with mind clouded with the feeling of Ten all over his body, Johnny gets lost in his track and accidently walks into the wall, pushing Ten up against it. They would be laughing, if Ten didn’t moan loudly into Johnny’s ear.

 _Crazy crazy crazy_ – Johnny is going crazy with each and every minute of Ten’s scorching touches all over his body. He’s not sure, how long he will be able to stand them, before he goes insane.

Finally, they find their way onto the bed, with Ten’s back to the mattress and Johnny hovering above him. It’s familiar but at the same time feeling like a dream. It’s been way too long since the last time, they were intimate.

They take off their shirts and Johnny instantly dives for Ten’s throat and collarbones – kissing, sucking, biting and bruising, bruising, bruising to make sure, to show everyone and himself that Ten is _his_. It’s when the Thai boy reaches for the older’s belt and undoes it, Johnny realizes that Ten’s hands don’t shake in excitement, that his body doesn’t shiver from lust, that his breathing is getting more shallow with every passing second.

“Ten,” Johnny says his name quietly but firmly. “Ten, what’s wrong?”

The younger pulls at Johnny’s zipper and tugs at the loops of his jeans to get them a little lower.

“Nothing. Just kiss me, American boy.”

But Johnny isn’t convinced by the words, not when he sees the mess in front of him. He gently pushes one hand under Ten’s back, the other behind his neck and pulls the younger onto his lap. He then cradles his face in his hands, gently caressing his cheeks.

“You’re crying,” he says and it seems that Ten didn’t even realize the tears were flowing down his cheeks. “What’s wrong?” he repeats.

A shuddering breath leaves Ten’s throat and the younger pushes his face into Johnny’s neck, terribly shivering. He doesn’t weep but the tears wet Johnny’s shoulder just the slightest and he claws at the older’s back, cutting through the skin and drawing blood. Johnny tries not to hiss loudly, because he knows, Ten has to ground himself somehow.

“I can’t fight it,” the younger says after a moment, his lips ghosting over Johnny’s pulse. “Johnny, I can’t fight it. It’s going to kill me.”

The older tightens his hold around the Thai boy.

“We’ll concur it together. I will figure out how to help you,” Johnny closes his eyes, feeling Ten’s raging heartbeat through their pressed chests. “We rushed. I’m sorry, I should have restricted myself. I just missed you. From now on we’ll go slow.”

“You don’t understand,” Ten hits Johnny’s back with a fist. “I’m fucked up. I will destroy your life and you will regret ever thinking you could handle a disaster like me,” He pushes at the older’s chest to look him in the eyes. “I have to go home.”

“No,” Johnny takes Ten’s hands into his. He cannot let Ten leave, not right now, because he knows, it he lets the younger go, they might never meet again. “It’s you, who doesn’t understand. I am willing to take you as you are, with every flaw and imperfection, piercing, dyed hair and painted nails, twisted ankles and panic attacks. I know it all and I still want you,” He brings one of Ten’s hands to his lips and kisses it gently. “So, please, stay.”

Ten leans his head down, so his fringe covers his eyes. Johnny is waiting.

“I’m not sure, I can handle the night.” he finally says, shame and guilt eating at his words.

“We can stay up all night or just cuddle and go sleep right now but most importantly I won’t let you go.”

There is a moment of silence, only their breathing echoing through the walls and hearts beating on their chest. Dread is creeping around them, accompanied by insecurities and worries, but Johnny hopes he has enough strength to shield Ten from their influence.

“I can’t promise, I will be able to get through the whole night. I’m sorry,” Ten looks up and there is just the slightest blush on his cheeks. “But if you’re really that insane, then I can give it a try.”

And Johnny hasn’t smiles that widely in a very long time. Ten reciprocates the gesture and soon the older feels blinded by the most honest and heartbreaking of smiles – with lots of pain creeping right behind it. But Johnny feels unstoppable at the moment, like he could do anything, cross any of the limits.

They slowly lay down, after shimming out of their jeans, agreeing that it may be better if they try to fall asleep. Their legs are tangled, arms winded around each other and foreheads pressed onto each other. Their breaths mingle and if from time to time they steal short pecks from each other, neither of them comments about it.

It’s about fifteen minutes later, when Ten shivers more violently, his whole figure curling into himself. Johnny shakes him to get him fully awake and the younger’s eyes open widely. He looks terrified and soon he’s trying to get free from Johnny’s hold.

“I can’t do this,” he says, trying to get up from the bed, but Johnny’s stronger so he hold the younger tightly to his chest. “I can’t. It’s never going to leave me alone. It hasn’t been this bad in such a long time.”

“Are you going to be sick?” Johnny asks warily but feels Ten shaking his head against his shoulder. “You don’t have to worry. It’s not like a drunk Yuta never emptied his stomach on me.”

It gets a little laugh from Ten and Johnny mentally high fives himself. From reading the notebook, he remembers that it’s most efficient, when there is something to distract Ten from the panic attack. He starts recalling all the humiliating party – stories from their freshman year, softly whispering each and every word into Ten’s ear.

And when the younger’s breathing finally evens out, Johnny traces his fingertips over he small tattoo on Ten’s shoulder that he can see from this angle. He is aware, he’s getting himself into something much more complicated and difficult to handle than he’s thought. The path maybe more bumpy then he’s expected. But it’s worth the try.

Ten is worth it.

“I’ve been hurt but so have been you. There is nothing wrong in the way you come to mess with my world, because there is no other person out there, who makes me feel so complete. It’s fate, don’t you remember? How we kept on bumping into each other. So don’t fight it. Please, stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading~ 
> 
> I would like to say that choosing this subject wasn't easy for me, it actually has taken me years to man up and wrote about anxiety disorder in details. I hope that you got a glimpse of what it looks like, that it makes some people seem odd, their behavior not being "proper". Through this story I wanted to share my thoughts on the matter of people, who have great difficulity with coping with anxiety as also as the knowledge that human beings aren't easy to read in general. I believe we all tend to act illogical, our moods constantly change and we should just accept it, not reason it or accuse people of being odd. 
> 
> So it's the end of Part 2, which means I will soon just add the Epilogue and the story will be officially done. I hope you liked it, please leave kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me. I will not be able to improve my work without feedback. So please, just leave a few words of your impressions :)


	4. Epilogue

_Korea, 2018_

_It woke me up in the middle of the night, angrily demanding attention and successfully depriving me of the little peace I had. The shivers took a hold of my whole body, bringing stomachache and cold sweats with them. I drifted on the verge of dream and reality, not asleep but at the same time not fully awake. I had to grasp onto something, to find a way to ground myself and distract from the panic attack._

_There was nothing, though. Just me – the overpowered body of mine, which decided it would be better to stop cooperating right now – and the dreadful void, darkness doing anything to strangle me._

_To make sure I remember I will never be fine._

_And then I felt it – gentle breaths fanning over my lips and a safe source of warmth settled right beside me. Soft snores reached my ears, calming the storm inside my head. And there was a hand placed right on my hip, the touch delicate but at the same time scorching hot._

_I opened my eyes._

_Soft curves, easy slope of nose and cheekbones, messy hair, eyes closed, lips parted. My whole vision was covered by this image – way over six feet of a sleeping man._

_Johnny._

_I was still at his place, in his bed, comfortably wrapped in the sheets that smelled of his body. Although, the warmth that engulfed me so tightly, I could still feel my raging heart and the way my stomach twisted. I woke up but the anxiety didn’t go away and it was foolish of me to believe that it would._

_That was it, the end of our story, the very moment I had to finally say goodbye. The anxiety was accompanied by raw pain surging from my chest, settling at the back of my throat and behind my eyes._

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry._

_You’ll wake him up._

_So I swallowed the choked sounds that threatened to escape my mouth and carefully, so that he wouldn’t notice, slipped out of the bed – out of Johnny’s warm embrace. I found my jeans and t-shirt on the floor, took them into my hands and walked out of the bedroom to dress up without the possibility of waking him up._

_I was scared, just like the other night over five months ago, because the anxiety kicked in the moment I finally though I was going to change my life – that it was finally going to be good. But I was wrong, wrong in every aspect and foolish, foolish to believe that things were to change, because for the past six years nothing has changed. Nothing._

_I was about to put my clothes on, when I saw it. The notebook. It was laying on the couch, right were I left it, before yesterday I dived into Johnny’s embrace, before he told me that he knew, before I selfishly tried to forget about my problems with the older’s help._

_Suddenly I remembered, why I even started writing in it in the first place. To help myself, to calm down, get rid of most of the tormenting thoughts that invaded my mind. And to some extent it always, a l w a y s helped._

_So I took it in my hands, found a pen carelessly thrown on the kitchen counter and slipped back under the sheets, seeking comfort in the warmth that Johnny’s body emitted._

_And here I am now, sitting in bed at 4 a.m., writing in the notebook and trying not to dwell too much on the arm Johnny has thrown over my hips in his sleep. His face is plastered to my side, eyes closed, breath tickling the skin of my stomach._

_I love ~~him~~ it. _

_I am a little better now, writing help me ease my mind and get a hold of my raging heart. I can still feel the anxiety crawling under my skin, flowing in my blood, biting at my bones, but I try to focus on the fact that in about two hours the sun will rise and then it will probably subside and leave me till the next evening._

_I can do it._

_I’ve been thinking, why a perfect person like Johnny is suddenly interested with someone like me – knowing that it’s nowhere near easy, that it will be a long road full of bumps and unexpected turns. Is he stupid? Out of his mind? Possessed by a demon?_

_But then maybe, just maybe, he sees something I don’t. Maybe there are things about me that are appealing, that make me stand out from the crowd and look special. Maybe there are things I can do well, that show I have value and am not as unnecessary for the society as I believed._

_Because don’t each of us have something special about them? It cannot be just me being worthless, right?_

_There must be something in me that captured Johnny, because he’s not a stupid man. He’s been hurt, has his own experience and emotional baggage but he’s still willing to be with me. He sees something I don’t._

_I hope one day he will show me, what it is._

_But for that I will have to stay, which seems to be the most difficult of tasks right now. I know that I want to be with him, that I want to wake up next to his warm body and soft kisses. I want him to keep the demon away, to shield me, to help me get stronger. But at the same time, I don’t want to hurt him – never again – and I know I will sooner or later. The anxiety will kick in and I will loose it one day._

_I can’t stay._

_His hold around my hips tightens, face pressed into my stomach, hair tickling the skin. His warmth wraps around me like a safe cocoon that takes away the pain. I lay my hand on his back, over his shoulder blades, gently feeling the skin. This could be mine, he could be mine and if there is anyone out in this world, who’s willing to accept me it is him, American boy, Johnny Seo._

_I want to stay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end! Thank you very much for reading and staying with me throughout the whole story. I know there's been a huge break between Part 1 and Part 2, for which I am terribly sorry, but I wanted the story to be the best it could get.   
> Please, leave kudos and comments, so that I know, what to work on in my next stories. 
> 
> Also, if you're interested in spoilers about my works or just mu stupid rumbling about kpop or life in general, you can follow me on instagram --> @real__bananapud <3 
> 
> Post scriptum. I'm sorry for the opened ending but... I actually couldn't make up my mind, whether I wanted for them to stay together or not. Now I know.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Here is the prologue of my new four - part story (prologue, part 1, part 2, epilogue). Part 1 is going to be published in few days, so please, stay tuned. I hope you like it and keep on reading.  
> I can assure you that it is not going to be simply story, even if it sounds like one right now. I tried experimenting with the form, so I'm really curious, how you'll like it. 
> 
> Also, please note that I'm not an english speaker, so I am bound to make some mistakes, for which I am terribly sorry. 
> 
> If you have a minute, even 30 secunds, please leave a comment. It doesn't cost you anything but is a great source of knowledge for me. 
> 
> Bye~


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